Divorce: 22 Years Later

I divorced my first husband 22 years ago. This weekend I just had him, his new wife and my ex mother-in-law over for an extended family get together and it was lovely.
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Young couple has problems in their marriage
Young couple has problems in their marriage

I divorced my first husband 22 years ago.

This weekend I just had him, his new wife and my ex mother-in-law over for an extended family get together and it was lovely. There were no big dramas other than 2-year-old teething tantrums from my granddaughter and squawks from the 4-month-old twin granddaughters. In fact it was the best family gathering I have had in my home for a long while.

My youngest son is about to head off for another extended O.E so it seemed like the perfect opportunity together as much of the clan together as possible. It is entirely possible that I applied "Mummy Guilt" in getting them all together -- such a useful tool when applied sparingly.
My ex had come back to NZ to see the twins for the first time (amongst other things) so it seemed only fair to invite him along to catch up with all his kids and grandkids in one place. And then his Mum asked if it would be possible for her to come along too?

Who is going to say "no" to an 87-year-old woman wanting to catch up with her son, his sons and their kids? Not me!

Now, her and I never saw eye to eye when I was married to her son but since then a lot of water has passed under the bridge and I don't have to have anything to do with her unless I choose to and this was the perfect way to spread some love for no other reason than because I could.
Then one of my stepdaughters said she would like to come too and bring her three sons (she's the only one living within reasonable driving distance) so what started out as a small gathering just kept on growing. The magical thing was how it all just flowed and what a great time everyone had. Even when it rained for two days and my plans for everyone being outside, enjoying the sun and the pool vanished in dark clouds and cold winds. It is supposed to be Summer here in NZ but it seems the weather had other plans. None of these guys were going to let the weather dampen their fun so the pool and the water slide took a battering and, eventually, the sun came out. Hoorah!

When I got divorced I never dreamed that I would one day have such a gathering and actually enjoy spending time with my ex again. Sure, I knew that there would be times that we would have to spend together for the sake of the kids but I imagined that, once they all left home, those times would be few and far between. And they are. Don't get me wrong, it is not like we are hanging out together all the time but when we do need to it is easy, effortless and not fraught with emotion. It helps that a lot of time has passed. It also helps that we are choosing to be civil and to think of the kids (yes, even now they are adults).

The choices we have made in how we relate to each other post divorce have been crucial in how our boys have grown into fine, young men.We have shown them over and over ( pick ups and drop offs where the ex has stayed at my home, weddings that were drama free love fests) that divorce doesn't mean you can't be in the same room as each other or that you hurl abuse at one another or put the other down to the kids. Divorce can be two people consciously uncoupling (thanks for that Gwyneth Paltrow) and putting the needs of the kids first and foremost, all the time.

This past weekend is testament to just how far my ex and I have come and what a loving, post divorce family can look like. I am so proud of all of us for the love that was shared this weekend and for the healing and bonding that took place. What a great image for my youngest to take out into the world with him. Happy travels, darling boy.

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