For those of us who are divorced with kids, we face a recurring question that sometimes keeps us up at night: Is my child simply going through a normal adolescent stage or is his behavior due to the fact that his dad and I are not together?
I realize that "normal adolescence" is an oxymoron -- a fantasy created by Disney imagineers or by parents who, as they age, only remember the sweet parts of their children's childhood. And I have read numerous books explaining all about the teenage brain, the different stages of growth, the struggle for independence that is often accompanied by defiant behavior. But I can't help but wonder what affect my divorce -- as unusually friendly as it is -- has had on my son and his path in this life.
I'm not second-guessing our decision to divorce. Today, my son knows his dad as a supportive, present, responsible, sober and caring father.
The thing is, that's not the man I married.
Throughout our marriage, when our son was little, my husband spent an inordinate amount of time sleeping, as both an escape and in response to drugs and depression. He left most of the parenting up to me and seemed unsure of how to be a father. His own father had died when he was 14, and that was the year his drug use began. But the year after we separated, my ex checked himself into rehab, something he would not have done had we stayed together.
To be fair, I'm not the woman I was when we got married, either. I, too, would have been a different type of parent had my ex and I stayed together. I believe I would have been anxious, resentful and excessively attached -- hovering over my son in an effort to love him enough for two people, and to get from him all the love I wasn't receiving. And I believe that would have been the most harmful parenting of all.
Even though we have a divorce that rivals Demi-Bruce-Ashton in terms of friendship and support, it's still a divorce. It still rocked my son's world. It still means he lives in two households. It still means he has to tell his friends that his parents are not together. And in fact, he probably has to tell them, "I know it looks like they're together, because they're friends and all, but they're not together."
My point is, no matter how great the relationship, no matter how much healthier the family is, no child is unaffected by his parents' divorce.
And so that often leaves me wondering, as I witness my son's ascent into teenagedom, which of his behaviors and actions are a result of the divorce, and which are simply part of the journey to adulthood? Which are cries for help, and which are due to the angst and pressure that most kids his age feel? Which are signs of trouble inside or ahead, and which are simply indicators that he is growing up?
There is no way to know. There is only the fact that our choices have consequences. And while I believe our choice to divorce led to a better life for our son, I cannot deny that it altered his path.
What I do know is that regardless of the reasons behind my son's often unpredictable behaviors, my role is to be a compassionate and loving mother. To understand that I will not always understand my son, his moods, his thoughts, his fears. That's okay. He won't understand them all, either.
But I am here in his life, and so is his dad. We are in the background more and more, as our son takes on additional responsibilities, popping up to the foreground when he needs us (sometimes whether he realizes his needs us or not). Because loving our son and parenting him together did not end when we divorced.
In fact, in many ways, that's when it really began.