Many fathers who are divorced will agree that the most difficult part is not being with your children every day and feeling like you've become a visitor in their lives.
When I found myself in this situation, I tried to make the limited time I had with my two daughters as much fun as possible. I bought season passes to Canada's Wonderland, a giant amusement park north of Toronto and we went regularly.
I wasn't the cliché Disneyland Dad (or Wonderland Pop), but it didn't take long before I reminded myself that daughters need more from their father than just someone to have fun with.
How could I be a good father when our time together was so limited? I asked myself: what are the most important things children want from their father? Children want to know their father. Not knowing their father can be a big loss in children's lives. President Barack Obama's book Dreams From My Father reflects his own need to know his father who departed from his life at a young age. I thought about how children look to fathers to teach them about life and to be a role model to them. When people remember their father, they talk about what their fathers taught them -- not what they bought them.
I made it my goal to be this kind of father. I started by talking to my daughters about my life and my dreams. I told them how I wanted to be a writer and about how the first articles I submitted to magazines were returned and how those rejections stung. I told them about my other goals which are still works in progress, and also about dreams that have been forgotten and replaced with immediate needs -- such as earning a living.
I shared the life lessons I learned to help them with their own learning about life. I tried to be a role model of the kind of man I wanted my daughters to choose as life partners -- a man who sees a problem and steps forward to deal with it, not one who steps back and leaves it to others. I talked about setting high standards of how you want to be treated and being a giver but ensuring the other person is also a giver and not a taker.
I was moved when my younger daughter told me she wrote down what I taught her in a notebook she called "Lessons from Dad" and that she shared these lessons with friends who didn't have fathers.
When I discussed my experiences with other fathers, I saw that a lot still think they're fulfilling their role by being providers. They were not sharing their dreams and goals, being role models and teaching life lessons to their children. Many of the fathers worked long hours and when they were with their children they did a lot of fun things -- just like I did. They didn't understand why they weren't being appreciated for how hard they worked and all the things they paid for.
If you're a single father dealing with the feeling of being a visitor in your children's life, it's good to have fun with your children, but they can also have fun with their friends. They need more from their father. They need to know who you are and to hear the lessons of life that you can teach them. They need you to be a role model. The fun times last for the moment. The lessons you teach them will strengthen your bond with them and make you crucial in their lives. And that's the opposite of being a visitor.
This blog post is part of HuffPost's When Men Divorce series. For other posts written by men about the divorce experience, head here. If you want to share your story, email divorcestories@huffingtonpost.com
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