DNC Searches For Corrupt Pansexual Candidates To Intensify Illusion Of Progress Without Alienating Paulson/Will/Kissinger Wing Of Party

WASHINGTON DC- Banking executive Barney Frank announced today that the Democratic Party will ramp up its efforts to appear inclusive on any issue that doesn't directly impact the financial interests of the affluent Eisenhower Republicans who own it.

Frank, along with insurance lobbyist Howard Dean and fracking payrollee Ed Rendell, pledged to energize the party by finding corporatists from "Asexual to Zucchini" who will uphold the neoliberal tradition of erring on the side of money. The news comes in the wake of AP and Rachel Maddow calling the general election for Hillary Clinton earlier this morning.

Superdelegates welcomed the early call for Clinton and expressed excitement at being able to now say "Madame President" when droning Muslim children or revisiting Simpson/Bowles. Barbara Boxer, though unable to move her facial muscles, claimed to be euphoric.

For his part Bill Clinton pledged to grab power with both hands and use it to strangle the last breaths from FDR's legacy. An aide later clarified the former president's remarks as meaning that he was just so happy for his wife who did it all by herself. Plans have not been finalized as to where his current mistress will live.

In other news, many still wish that a girl could grow up knowing she could become president by believing in things.