Do women apologize too much? According to several articles including one recently in The New York Times, women say "I'm sorry" more than they need to and far more than men do.
Excuse me for asking (whoops!), but why is that? One study reports that "men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior." Men can be boorish while women are polite to the point of being overly apologetic.
I agree that many of us apologize too often for reasons that don't really matter. As in, "I'm sorry to bother you." Or, "Excuse me for saying this." We should all just own up for our actions, live without regrets and fear no one's opinion. Our best offense is good manners and our worst defense is belittling ourselves by apologizing too much for the wrong reasons.
I prefer to live my life unapologetically with no excuses. Mistakes are made, and you learn from or in spite of them. A little confrontation builds character. People may disagree with you or put you down, but a person with a strong character can take it on the chin and spin it into something better. It doesn't mean I believe apologizing makes you weak when it is for the right reason. It takes a strong person to deliver an appropriate apology.
I've been on both the delivering and receiving ends of apologies this past week. How to apologize effectively and when is an apology necessary have been on my mind. There is a skill to delivering an effective apology. Here are three ways to apologize with tact:
The "Nip it and Zip It" Apology: If something happened that you truly regret, simply say, "I'm so sorry. I apologize. How can I make this up to you or rectify this matter?" Usually the offended party will accept a simple and sincere response, but make sure you deliver it in a timely manner so the person does not fester in frustration. Recently I wrote a complaint letter to a hotel manager about stay where I was very dissatisfied. The manager responded with an apology within 24 hours and offered me an upgrade on my next stay plus 5000 hotel points, I was satisfied. Case closed.
The Artful Apology: The artful apology is a diplomatic dance step that appeases the offended party without actually apologizing (as in you don't feel an apology is warranted but you know it will make the other party calm down.) The artful apologist delivers a tactful response: "How unfortunate (horrible, upsetting, etc.) this must be for you. How can I help rectify the situation to satisfy you?" An artful apology is much like a fake orgasm. You deliver a convincing expression, satisfy the other person, hope you were convincing and finish up knowing that a little effort on your part can make someone happy.
The Backhanded-Apology: But why should you apologize to anyone just to placate them? What if you disagree with their complaint? This is the backhanded-apology. You volley back a response that isn't quite an apology and put the ball in their court. Such as: "I hear your concerns loud and clear. I understand you are upset and unhappy. What will make you happy?"
However you choose to apologize, or not, keep your response short. This isn't the time to trip over words and bungle your message. The words some people find most difficult to say with true conviction are "I'm sorry." Yet they speak volumes when it matters. The impact of unspoken words can be more powerful than those said. Speak from the heart without losing your head.