Doctors Report "Rove Cannot Testify"

A panel of senior staff doctors at Walter Reed Hospital recommended that Karl Rove be excused from testifying in the upcoming Senate committee hearings. "Clearly, he's not a healthy man." said chief of staff Dr. William Tomlinson, "For Mr. Rove, an appearance before the Senate could be a serious life threatening event."

"The greatest strain would be the oath," reported Dr. Tomlinson. "While you or I would have no problem telling the U.S. Senate the truth, Rove's been living on a constant diet of lies and manipulation for over thirty years, the man can't even talk about the weather without committing massively grotesque distortions."

The doctors unveiled charts demonstrating how pressure to tell the truth could force large volumes of acidic gas to erupt from Rove's intestinal system. As Dr. Wilkes, chief of internal medicine, explained, "His metabolic system just isn't like a normal person's. Technically speaking, from his upper esophagus on down, it is almost pure bullshit. Senate chamber janitors would be cleaning up the mess for months. It would be seriously gross."

"What he really needs is a nice, private conversation, with no electrical digital recorders or video cameras nearby, some place where Rove can spin whatever machiavellian fantasies come into his deviant mind without any accountability whatsoever. This is how he has operated for years, and -- truthfully -- a radical change in his environment now could cause irreparable damage."

Dr. Tomlinson ended the press conference with a measured evaluation of the ethics involved, "You have to measure the pros and cons. Would it help the country? Probably. Would it hurt Rove? Probably. So, where do you draw the line? Yes, people have paid a price for Rove's sickness. Good, honest people were put out of work because they wouldn't play along with his political manipulations. Even fellow Republicans like David Iglesias discovered they weren't safe.

But we can't ask a fish to walk on land, we can't ask a pig to fly, and -- speaking as a medical doctor I have to say -- we cannot ask this man tell the truth. This isn't Abu Gabrib, this isn't Guantanamo, this is an American on American soil, and the last time I checked our Constitution protects Mr. Rove from cruel and inhuman physical torture. I mean, I'm pretty sure it does. It used to anyway."