Does Donald Trump Really Have the Biggest Dick in the Race?

This may sound like yesterday's question.

Now that Marco Rubio has apologized for suggesting that Donald Trump's penis is as small as his hands (which Trump has proudly displayed as big enough to strangle a gorilla), the latest Republican debate turned out to be notably more civil than its predecessors. But my title question--a crucial question, when you come to think about it-- has been inexcusably left behind by the lamestream media, which--with their infantile attention spans--have abandoned it for such trivia as immigration, ISIS, and slugfests at Trump own rallies. Do you remember that Trump himself "guaranteed" the size of his endowment at the start of the Republican debate of March 3? Since at least some of Trump's guarantees have been challenged by the state of New York, which is suing Trump University for making false claims to more than 5,000 people, should we not ask for something more?

Yes indeed, I'm asking for the full Monty. Why not? This is the man who wouldn't even accept President Obama's birth certificate as evidence that he was born in Hawaii, which is (though Donald probably hates to admit it) part of the United States. Why should we take Trump's word--and only Trump's word-- for a matter of such weighty importance as the heft of his genitalia?

Given his unbounded faith in his omnipotence, in his power to make America hate again, in his power to destroy ISIS at a stroke, to expel 11 million undocumented immigrants, and to compel Mexico to build a gigantic wall (50 feet high?) all along the nearly 2000 miles of our common border, Trump clearly aims to be not just president of the United States, but its first king--perhaps even the first king of the western hemisphere. So why doesn't he follow the example of the kings of Cameroon, who have traditionally been sculpted standing in the nude with their royal appendages plainly on show. (Come to think of it, ancient Greek and Roman sculptors also portrayed both gods and great men in the nude, as in this marble statue of a Roman general .)

Admittedly, Trump is not likely to drop his pants in public--even if his rivals agreed to do likewise for purposes of comparison. But in asking us to judge the size of his dick as part of his qualifications for the highest office in the land, he is implicitly taking an African king as his role model. Which is wonderfully ironic on two counts. For one, Trump loathes all foreigners, except of course for the Russian ladies whom he periodically marries (thereby proving once again that immigrants will take jobs no American will do); second, the African-American president whom he is campaigning to succeed is one of the wisest, most disciplined, most sensitive, and most cultivated presidents we have ever had. As the embodiment of "grace," in the words of Marilynne Robinson, he is the antithesis of Trump himself.

In any case, if Trump wins this election, I predict that this proud progenitor of phallic towers bearing his name will immediately mount a series of erections: first a 2000-mile-long wall rising 50 feet along the Mexican border, and then a wall of equal height along the Canadian border--to keep millions of Americans from fleeing his reign.