The North Pole: Goodyear Satire Co.--
Continuing a string of inexplicable appointments to important positions, Donald Trump today hired the Easter Bunny to replace Santa Claus as the symbol of Christmas cheer.
"Santa Claus has been Santa for far too long," explained President-Elect Donald Trump. "He's gained a massive amount of weight, and the constant "Ho Ho Ho-ing' is just too much. 'Santa... you're fired!'"
Santa won't be the same with floppy ears instead of a fluffy beard but Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Kellyanne Conway promises kids will have fun anyway. "They'll be able to ask the Christmas Bunny for gifts their parents can't afford, just like always," she said sweetly. "That's the real meaning of Christmas."
This latest odd Trump choice follows several other unusual cabinet selections by the billionaire businessman. Oil executives are heading the Energy and State Departments, and a climate change denier has been appointed Secretary of the Environmental Protection Agency.
"And now this," said Santa. "I had all sorts of toys for girls and boys that taught them about renewable energy, and climate change and how we could stop it," he said, "But now none of those toys will be delivered."
Santa is headed to northern California. "The thing I'll miss most is tending my vegetable garden," said Santa. "All sorts of things grow here now because of all the runoff from the melting polar ice cap. Its only melting because of climate change."
"And they've gone and appointed a rabbit to be in charge of my carrots and lettuce. It's like they've got some ulterior motive," he said through his full beard. "It's almost like Donald Trump didn't win the election, Big Oil did."
The former Mrs. Claus is generally pleased with the change. "The downside is that all this new oil drilling under the Arctic ocean has the reindeer spooked," she said."Its not just ExxonMobil, its the Russians, and Trump Oil, and Trump Drillers, and the new Trump Motel 6 and all the other companies that are staking their claims."
"And there are pictures of Vladimir Putin everywhere, but all you see of Donald Trump is his name on everything," she said. "Its like Putin is the leader of the leader of the free world."
"The upside to all this is the bunny," Mrs. Claus said, "Get him in the sack, and he just doesn't stop."
This fable has been updated.
More satire by Goodyear Satire Co.