Executive Order Protecting The Security Of Our Nation By Restricting Irresponsible Retail Speech And Imposing Fashion Mandates For Chic Mix-And-Match Separates And Stylish, Fun Accessories

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered as follows:

Sec. 1.  It is the policy of my administration to end the chaotic and totally unfair abuse of so-called free speech and inventory sovereignty by certain biased retail chains and other leading national advertisers. It is imperative for the executive branch to take all actions consistent with law to minimize the unwarranted economic massacres by rogue entities to deprive consumers of such crucial merchandise as the Ivanka “Soho Tote,” which is well known to be a smart solution for everyday scenarios—from work meetings to weekend plans. Next stop: holiday travel. Whether you’re jetting to a ski resort or a tropical island, this carryall tote comes equipped with design elements that will make your trip stress-free (and that much easier).

Sec. 2.  To the maximum extent permitted by law, the Secretary of Commerce, the Federal Trade Commission all other executive departments and agencies will mandate availability in the private marketplace of items including, but not limited to a) transitional women’s tops, b) textured blazer-knit sweater-Oasia pump combos c) Peppermint candy canes, twinkling lights and looks that make you feel spectacular.

Sec. 3.  As determined by the executive branch, not some overrated judges, the concept of “personhood”and the speech rights flowing therefrom (Citizens United v the Federal Election Commission 2010) for corporate entities shall not extend to a) retail inventory or b) advertising messaging that undermines the morale of our nation. I mean, did you see that 84 Lumber Super Bowl commercial? Sad. Terrible lumber, by the way.

Sec. 4.  This order shall create, establish and cause to be funded a Department of Fashion Security which shall exercise all authority and discretion to build a strategic reserve of Dora block-heel booties, stripe Jacquard Knit Ruffle Bell Sleeve Sheath Dresses and any such garments or accessories deemed to insure a supply of affordable, attractive and fun fashion items for work, home, travel and play!

Sec. 5  In the event that any of this Executive Order should be subject to criticism, disparagement, unfavorable polling results or legal challenge, I never said it, any of it.  It’s a lie, invented by the dishonest, dishonest media and no-talent Hollywood fatsos who I could name, believe me, but I won’t. I think you know who they are.


First published in MediaPost.