POLITICS

Trump Has A Complicated Relationship With Microphones

Can you hear him now?

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is a man of many words — the best words. And in order to spread those words to the American people, he needs microphones. But like carpenters, painters, cabinet-makers, lawyers, wives and women’s bodies, technology does not always live up to Trump’s expectations.  

“My microphone, in the room they couldn’t hear me, you know it was going on and off which isn’t exactly great,” Trump said Tuesday after his first debate against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. At that event, Trump said many words the American people needed to hear, like “the cyber.” He also informed black and Hispanic people that they were “living in hell.” Did someone sabotage his microphone?

“I don’t want to believe in conspiracy theories, of course,” Trump said. “But it was much lower than hers and it was crackling.” Trump needs a working microphone so people can hear the many, many conspiracy theories he doesn’t want to believe in.

The real estate mogul has had bad luck when it comes to audio equipment. Earlier this year, CNN asked him about a person named “former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke” and a group called “white supremacists.” Trump said, “I don’t know anything about David Duke, OK, I don’t know anything about what you’re even talking about with white supremacy.” He added that “you wouldn’t want me to condemn a group that I know nothing about.”

Trump, with his stamina and good brain, managed to magically repeat these phrases with perfect accuracy. But no thanks to his stupid earpiece! Some people were upset that Trump did not initially say white supremacists were bad. That wasn’t his fault. “I’m sitting in a house in Florida with a very bad earpiece that they gave me, and you could hardly hear what he was saying,” Trump said.

Trump is not the kind of man to let a broken microphone go. He is going to hold someone responsible. Someone has to pay. One time, a “son of a bitch” set up his microphone poorly at a Florida campaign rally. “Stupid mic keeps popping, do you hear that George?” Trump said. “Don’t pay him. You know, I believe in paying, but when someone does a bad job like this stupid mic, you shouldn’t pay the bastard.”

Trump is a man who keeps his promises. Trump does not pay people who can’t do their damn jobs.  

Yes, microphones have let Trump down. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to give up on them. Remember that time Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) let his microphone be seized by Black Lives Matter activists? That would never happen to Trump.

“I thought that was disgusting,” Trump said. “That showed such weakness, the way he was taken away by two young women ― the microphone; they just took the whole place over.”

Another woman who takes over microphones is Hillary Clinton. She is a woman who makes microphones work. She may also be wearing a secret earpiece. That’s a conspiracy theory shared by Donald Trump Jr., though. Donald Trump Sr. does not want to believe in conspiracy theories. But why else does Clinton’s microphone work? This is a question.

“Anybody who complains about the microphone,” she said, “is not having a good night.”

Editor’s note: Donald Trump regularly incites political violence and is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist and birther who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.

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