Donald Trump's Republican National Convention Surprise Has Been Ruined For Everybody

ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND - JULY 10:  Donald Trump addresses his guests and the media before the opening of The Trump International
ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND - JULY 10: Donald Trump addresses his guests and the media before the opening of The Trump International Golf Links Course on July 10, 2012 in Balmedie, Scotland. The controversial £100m course opens to the public on Sunday July 15. Further plans to build hotels and homes on the site have been put on hold until a decision has been made on the building of an offshore windfarm nearby. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

So, Donald Trump has lately been touting the "big surprise" that he is "working on" for the upcoming Republican National Convention, which is of course going to be the classiest and most awesome surprise in the history of Republican National Conventions, the previous honoree being Pat Buchanan's speech in 1992.

Recently, however, Salon's Alex Pareene had reason to ruminate on all of the possibilities for what Trump had in store, and after what I'm sure was an exhaustive session of cogitation, and also Scotch, he came to a conclusion: "The real surprise is almost definitely just going to be some idiotic video where Trump 'fires' an Obama impersonator."

The logic is actually pretty unassailable, when you consider a few basic things:

  1. It's pretty clear that the organizers of the convention would prefer that Donald Trump appear on the convention stage in person.
  2. Political conventions are tightly scripted affairs, in which the organizers hope to merge their overall political message with a sense of urgency and earnest, patriotic pageantry.
  3. Knowing that, it definitely places certain limitations on what "surprises" might be in store.
  4. Political conventions are definitely not a venue where you are likely to see "edgy" comedy.
  5. Donald Trump isn't exactly known for being a "high-concept" creative.
  6. He is known, however, for treating the utterly quotidian details of his life as peak moments in the realm of human accomplishment and his banal forays into political-opinion-having as game-changing utterances that completely re-map the terrain of electoral politics.

So, with all that in mind, you're basically left to surmise that Trump is either going to use the convention to announce that he is trading down to a younger spouse or that he's going to do some sort of "Apprentice" spoof.

Trump took to Twitter yesterday, as is his wont, to rage at Pareene, saying: "Lightweight reporter Alex Pareene @pareene is known as a total joke in political circles. Hence, he writes for Loser Salon. @Salon." (No, Trump hasn't yet realized that he doesn't have to repeat Twitter handles in the body of a tweet like that.) Trump thus continues his grand tradition of destroying journalists utterly with his trademarked glibness.

The only disappointment here is that he did not print out the offending piece, doodle all over it in anger, and mail it to Pareene, as he has to some of his other targets. Here is an example of the Trump print-out sent to Vanity Fair's Juli Weiner. (You will especially enjoy the part where Trump writes, "AND WHO IS BEN SMITH?")

Well, now, it seems to be a settled issue. Alex Alvarez of Mediaite has helped out his fellow Alex with this article today, essentially ruining the surprise for everybody:

Last night, Obama impersonator (or “Fauxbama,” if you prefer) Kevin Michel posted a picture posing with Trump, along with a caption urging his Facebook friends to “[b]e sure to watch the Republican National Convention.”

So there you have it. Pareene had it right, give him all the Peabodies, the end.

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