The 7 Things We Will All Wear If Trump Becomes President

It could be real bleak.

With every passing day, the future looks a little bleaker. More apocalyptic. More orange.

So while we're all hypothesizing about what a Trump Presidency would look like on a figurative level, let's also imagine what it'll physically look like. It's important that you know what to expect, should the worst happen and the the man with the tiny hands does, in fact, find himself holding the presidential pen.

It could be time to book your flight to Canada.

We Will All Wear Really Long Neckties
The first edict that Donald Trump will enforce as President of the United States will be his ultimate sartorial legacy: that every woman, man and child has to wear a necktie, and that no necktie will be shorter than 15 feet long.
Donald Goggles
BluBlockers seem tailor-made for Trump supporters -- they block 100 percent of the blue light, which means everything you'll see is orange!
Ed Hardy Shirts
You will need protection in these times. To protect yourself from the regime of a Cheeto Jesus who once said he could "stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody" without losing any voters, you need something truly sufficient.

We suggest the entire shirt collection by Ed Hardy because A) there are enough sparkly things on them that the shirt essentially doubles as body armor; B) they will be the only shirts left in the stores after the Great Looting Period ends; and C) they are so revolting that even apocalyptic zombies will stay away from you.
A Popemobile
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The only safe way for the 1 percent to get from A to B will be inside the safety of a $565,000 bulletproof Popemobile.
Cheetos Lip Gloss
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There will be no better way to kiss your loved ones, while also saluting the Orange Almighty, than with a lip gloss made of Cheetos. While it doesn't technically exist yet -- Johnson & Johnson will invent one after it changes its name to Trump & Trump & Trump & Trump & Trump -- you can make your own by sitting on a bag of Cheetos and then pouring it all over your face.
EMS First Responder Backpack
When President Trump erases Obamacare with his giant eraser, the country will become obsessed with trendy DIY health care. Anything from minor first aid to non-invasive and very invasive surgeries will be done at home with the help of Gwyneth Paltrow's new surgery channel on Snapchat.

Additionally, every parent of every household will be required to wear an EMS First Responder Backpack, with 28 pockets and compartments for "maximum storage of all essential gear and supplies."
Fencing Masks
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Upon completion of the Mexican border fence in the second year of his term, The Great Shining Carrot will get so carried away with putting fences on things that he will put a fence on each and every American's face, and fencing will become the national sport.