Donald Trump loves to make money. We've consistently heard about his business acumen with virtually all of it coming from Trump himself. The following occurred in a parallel universe and reinforces the extent to which he will go to make some extra money when an opportunity arises.
The story has to do with Donald and his relationship with the Aflac duck. It's not surprising they would have contact since Donald and the duck have a lot in common. Both have successful television careers, a lot of money and very little to say. The duck may be a lot funnier than Donald, but then again, who isn't.
Anyway, it all began a few years ago when the duck tried to buy a condo in the Trump Tower. Given the magnitude of his celebrity, he assumed buying a condo in Trump's signature building would be a lock. Unfortunately, he was told that no units were available. This upset him to the point where he considered filing a duck discrimination lawsuit. Cooler heads prevailed, but this did not deter the duck from pursuing his dream to live in the Trump Tower.
So, after conversations with his agent and lawyer, the duck decided that sitting down with Donald face-to-face was the only way to go. A meeting was arranged and the following is a transcript I obtained from my anonymous source-duck throat. A translation device supplied by Google was used so the duck's quacking could be understood in English.
Duck: I want to live in the building.
Donald: Nothing is available.
Duck: I have an idea.
Donald: I'm listening.
Duck: I only need a place for 5 hours a night, so why don't you rent me your hair while you're sleeping. It looks like a nest and is just the right size.
Donald: How much are you willing to pay?
Duck: Whatever it takes.
Donald: $1000 per night between the hours of midnight to 5:00 AM.
Duck: How about $750 plus free Aflac insurance for a year. You don't look like the healthiest guy in the world and this might come in handy.
Donald: I'm in incredible shape, incredible shape! I'm in such incredible shape that my doctor said that if I ever became President, I would be the healthiest President we ever had.
Duck: Find a new doctor. You look like you're a few pounds away from needing a stent. If I'm you, I take the insurance. Remember, I pay claims right away. I know paying right away is an alien concept to you, but I actually do that.
Donald: Right away?
Duck: Yea, can we finish the deal now?
Donald: Okay, I'll have my lawyers draw up a one-year lease and you can move into my hair the first of the month. I want three months rent in advance all in cash; I don't like paying taxes.
The following month the Duck moved into Donald Trump's hair. But very quickly things began to unravel. Unbeknownst to both of them, Donald sleepwalks. Every night at around 2:00AM he gets up, walks into the kitchen and fries up a bunch of cheeseburgers. The duck, being vegan, found the smell of the grease repulsive. Over time, however, he learned how to sleep through Trump's late night noshing using the yoga he had mastered. It seemed as if everything was now fine. It wasn't.
Within a month the duck began to feel ill, so he went to see his duckologist, Dr. Notaquack for some blood work. When the results came back the doctor said, " you're either using too much hairspray or you live in a toxic waste dump." Hairspray? I don't use hairspray!"
The duck finally realized the obvious. Trump was a hair spray junkie and the fumes were the problem. He had his lawyer send a letter to Trump explaining that the fumes from the hairspray created a serious health hazard and, therefore, the duck had the right to break the lease.
Within 24 hours, Trump sued the duck stating that he only uses organic hair products. Any problem the duck was having, therefore, was due to poor hygiene.
The duck countersued stating that that Trump's head was an unsafe environment by EPA standards. Trump then filed a second lawsuit claiming defamation of character since people would now assume his head was dangerous thus damaging his brand.
There were clearly a lot of legal issues to untangle and only one person capable of handling this case: Judge Judy.
The following is a transcript of the trial:
Judge Judy: We're here today to decide whether The Aflac Duck has the right to break his lease with Mr. Trump.
Donald: Excuse me Judge. Excuse me. I have some important information, very important information. This information is so important that it has to be heard now.
Judge Judy: Please proceed Mr. Trump with this very important information.
Donald: My investigators discovered that the Aflac Duck is an illegal alien duck. He is from Mexico having flown over the border without ever having registered with US immigration. Since he is not legal, he has no rights and I automatically win.
Judge Judy: Mr. Duck, are Mr. Trump's allegations true.
Duck: Of course not Your Honor. I'm not a Mexican duck, I'm Jewish. I was born in the Bronx and my grandfather had a seltzer distributorship and actually delivered to the Trump Village apartments owned by Mr. Trump's father.
Judge Judy: Mr. Trump, do you have any other evidence supporting your contention that the duck is Mexican.
Trump: Yes, Your Honor. My investigators followed the duck for two months. And every day during that period they noticed that the duck ate guacamole for lunch. If that's not sufficient evidence, I don't know what is.
Judge Judy: Okay, I think I have enough information to render a verdict. Mr. Trump, I want you to refund the duck all three months rent and you are forbidden to rent your hair in the future.
Donald: NASTY, NASTY, YOU ARE A NASTY JUDGE. I always knew you were nasty. This is a bad and unfair decision, a very bad decision. It's so bad that I'm going to take it to the Supreme Court. This duck is Mexican and I'm going to prove it. And by the way, I don't like your show. You're pompous and egotistical, two characteristics I can't stand!
Judge Judy: Mr. Trump, shut up and get out of here!