Donald Trump's Foreign Policy Is Like LinkedIn For Dictators

Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Co.--

Donald Trump has converted America's foreign policy into LinkedIn for Dictators. Polish up your killer resumes, the business of America is business again.

Bringing "Greed is Good" to the Oval Office, President-Elect Donald "Gekko" Trump last week talked on the phone with the authoritarian strongman of the Philippines Rodrigo Duterte, the rogue leader of Pakistan Mamnoon Hussain, and the irrelevant president-ish of Taiwan Tsai Ing-wen.

And guess what: he wants to do business with each of 'em! Color me Michelle Shocked.

Can we fire him before he's officially hired? Asking for a hundred million friends.

In phoning a dictator, a strongman and an irrelevancy, Trump upended decades of American foreign policy and angered allies. Along the way, he approved of the extrajudicial killing of 4500 drug dealers and users in the Philippines, praised a Pakastani leader who provides support to groups who are killing Americans, and caused a diplomatic incident with China.

All in a day's non-work. Going long on his private business and selling America short, Donald Trump proves he's the Loss Leader of the Free World.

Can we fire him before he's officially hired? Asking for a hundred million friends.

Trump's geopolitical knowledge is thinner than the crepes at IHOP.

Trump still can't decide who he wants for Secretary of State. He's expanded his search to other swamps.

The problem is, half of Trump's advisers want him to appoint someone who's insane and the other half wants him to appoint someone who's crazy.

Rational foreign policy is about to disappear in a manner that would make the mute Teller scream in terror. How long will it be before Trump is brokering a business deal with Putin for a Casino in the Kremlin? He tried in the 1990's but backed out when he learned Russia didn't allow him to own the land he'd put the buildings on. You thought the house odds were bad in Vegas.

Trump came home, disappointed, with a LinkedIn t-shirt that read, "I went to Moscow and all i got were first level links with Russian crime bosses."

We learned during the campaign that Trump's geopolitical knowledge is thinner than the crepes at IHOP. Outside of his wives, Trump doesn't seem curious about foreign affairs. Inside of his wives, its too dark to read, as goes the old Groucho Marx joke.

Trump is skipping most daily intelligence briefings. Apparently they've already told him him about the UFOs at Area 51.

Word is that Trump has narrowed his finalists for Secretary of State to three men. Larry has better foreign policy experience and Curly has the longest fingers but Moe is the quickest to put up his hand to block.

Trump thinks "Hamilton" is a Broadway musical about a ten-dollar bill.

Trump wants to build hotels in Taiwan and he's already got a lucrative hotel licensing deal in Pakistan. Nothing new there; he'd build a Trump Tower on top of another Trump Tower if he could get some rich sucker to pay for it.

The possibility of a Trump golf course in Lahore, Pakistan or a Trump Tower in Islamabad has to be on Trump's mind. Enter: former Trump campaign manager and jack-of-all-felonies Paul Manafort. Before he was in bed with Vladimir Putin's cronies in the Ukraine, Manafort allegedly hooked up as lobbying agent for a Pakastani spy operation. Give Manafort 007 recommendations on LinkedIn for resourcefulness.

There is a Paul Manafort on LinkedIn. He's in charge of Wanker Detection at GroupM. I'm not sure Trump's Paul Manafort Detects Wankers, but if he did, I'm sure he'd be good at it.

LinkedIn For Dictators

Here is Rule #1 at the LinkedIn for Dictators Academy: if you're a leader of a country and it doesn't have vast oil reserves, a good way to become a billionaire is to become a dictator. You can then use your position to make "deals" favorable to your own business interests and nobody who values their freedom will care.

Ba-da-bing.

Ba-da-boom.

Money Makes The World Go Flat

You can tell a lot about someone by who they admire. Donald Trump admires Vladimir Putin, Syria's Bashar al-Assad, the late Saddam Hussein , former dictator Moammar Gadhafi and Kim Jong-Un.

What do Trump's favorite five leaders have in common?  Besides that they're all dictators. They all are (or were) billionaires.

Vladimir Putin  $200 Billion (est.)

Kim Jong-Un  $4 Billion plus

Saddam Hussein   $2 Billion (2002)

Bashar al-Assad $1.5 Billion

Moammar Gadhafi    $1 Billion plus

We know Trump is all about the cash. In 2000 Donald Trump told Fortune magazine, "It's very possible that I could be the first presidential candidate to run and make money on it." He's always thinking money.

For those tough assignments, Trump has his sons Uday and Qusay.

Trump's got to see that $200 billion figure for Putin and think, "I gotta grab me some of that kitty." So why not act like a dictator and make money on the presidency?

"But Trump is no dictator," you say, and you are right. But there's no practical difference between a dictator and a US President with a compliant House, a rubber-stamp Senate and a Supreme Court majority that he personally, appointed.

Plus, for those tough assignments, he has his sons Uday and Qusay.

Trump's got so many Goldman Sachs hedge fund guys in his administration its as if he's withdrawing them like twenties from an on-site ATM. For the last year Trump raked Hillary over the coals for giving speeches to Wall Streeters, and now he's giving them America's PIN code and last 4 digits.

There are no checks and all the balances are going into Trump's savings accounts. There's no practical threat of impeachment, and there's profit to be made with every phone call. Trump can't stop himself, and nobody else will.

LinkedIn Announcement: There's a networking mixer in the UN Yassir Arafat Multipurpose Room at 9 pm on January 20, 2017, right after the inauguration. Cash bar. Raffle tickets $5. Winner gets to annex the Ukraine.

(This article has been updated)