THE ESTABLISHMENT: Thank you for coming in today, Mr. Trump. We know it's been an awkward few months, and we appreciate your willingness to meet with us, so we can see if we're the right fit for each other.
DONALD TRUMP: I'm happy to be here. But you have been treating me very unfairly.
TE: We know that. But you are a wealthy, self-financing candidate without any experience outside of your financial empire, and as The Establishment, we consider it our responsibility to scrutinize the credentials of a candidate with no proven record of conservative values.
DT: Like you did with Steve Forbes.
TE: And point out your very mixed record of success in the business community.
DT: Like you did with Carly Fiorina.
TE: (awkward silence) Let's talk about you, and the scope of your curriculum vitae --
DT: There's no problem down there. I promise you.
TE: No, Mr. Trump, we mean your resume.
DT: Ah.
TE: According to the resume you posted on LinkedIn.
DT: By the way, I have more than 500 connections on LinkedIn. It's very impressive.
TE: You have, and I quote, "built a great company."
DT: Yes.
TE. That's what it says.
DT: Yes.
TE: You don't understand, Mr. Trump. That is all it says. Your resume is just four words long.
DT: What else should it say?
TE: Well, it could talk about a record of public service. Casting difficult votes when competing interests and values are at stake. An understanding of the real challenges facing our military, our interests abroad, college students, seniors and others. The type of experience that would prove your conservative values and principles, and demonstrate substance and pragmatic thinking.
DT: You want more words. Let me tell you, the voters are tired of words and ideas. They don't want substance and pragmatic thinking. They want me. They want the Trumpicane.
TE: That's not --
DT: Look, we both know why we're here. You believe I'm not really a conservative, and the second I become the nominee, you're afraid I'll abandon all of these positions I've been taking in the primary just so I can appeal to a broader electorate. The Establishment is worried I'll do that, right?
TE: Not quite. We're worried you won't.
DT: Huh?
TE: With all due respect Mr. Trump, your ideas, and our ideas, are the same. You want a wall. We've been talking about walls for twenty years! You want massive, across-the-board tax cuts and to slash government spending. So do we! You want to rebuild our military, and have a more aggressive, muscular foreign policy. Well then, welcome to the club.
DT: So why do you keep attacking me?
TE: It's your tone, Mr. Trump, and how you approach some of these issues.
DT: Example?
TE: Immigration. We can't win this election unless we pick up more Latino votes.
DT: So no wall?
TE: Of course there will be a wall. We love walls. You don't think Rubio and Cruz want a wall?
DT: So what's the problem?
TE: The problem is our opponents will call us divisive, and argue that the wall is a symbol of our anti-immigrant sentiment.
DT: So how am I supposed to show that I'm not anti-immigrant?
TE: What if we built the wall, but made it 10 feet lower?
DT: Interesting. Or maybe a moat.
TE: Even better! And instead of deporting all of the illegals, we keep them here. But we make sure we don't reward them with fringe benefits, like voting rights and a college education.
DT: Consuela, my housekeeper?
TE: She can stay.
DT: My hotel development in Washington?
TE: You can fly in every working-age male left in Poland to get it done.
DT: So you guys will stop attacking me for hiring illegal aliens? Some of that stuff happened decades ago. I mean, killing a person 35 years ago doesn't exactly make someone a murderer.
TE: Actually... never mind. Look, Mr. Trump, the Democrats will surely resort to their old playbook. They'll say we're the party of wealthy elites, and that we don't understand the plight of ordinary, working Americans.
DT: Have you seen the polls? I'm winning working class and upper class voters. Uneducated people love me.
TE: Still, you've been criticized for living in an insulated, Park Avenue bubble. Show them that's not the real you.
DT: How?
TE: Well, do you know what the price of milk is?
DT: Oil?
TE: Milk.
DT: Milk futures?
TE: No, just milk. If you walked into a grocery store and bought a gallon of milk, do you know how much it would cost?
DT: (Pause) Like if my chef ran out of milk?
TE: Sure.
DT: Why can't I just send Ivanka or Donald Jr. out for the milk?
TE: That's not the point. I'm asking --
DT: Look, the American people don't care if a gallon of milk costs forty-five cents, or sixty-five cents, or whatever. They just want to know that the guy in the truck who delivers those bottles of milk to their house came here legally. And they want a strong leader. When I'm president, we're going to have more milk than ever before. Milk production is going to be big, and no one is going to be on the streets without milk.
TE: So you have no idea how much milk costs?
DT: Not a clue.
TE: Let's talk about women.
DT: I love them.
TE: No, Mr. Trump. I mean, we can't win this election without women. Take Hillary Clinton...
DT: I would never do that. She's like 50 years old.
TE: You've said she doesn't have the strength or stamina to be president. The Democrats will say you made that remark because she's a woman.
DT: Not true. A total lie. There are lots of women with more stamina than Hillary. Look at Melania. You want stamina? Believe me, Melania has stamina. BE-LIEVE ME.
TE: What would you say if a reporter asked you if Hillary was an attractive or unattractive woman?
DT: I would say that is not an appropriate question.
TE: Excellent response, Mr. Trump.
DT: If I asked a question like that, the press would rip me apart, saying I'm demeaning women, or whatever.
TE: So you wouldn't answer the question?
DT: Of course I would answer the question. If Hillary somehow won, she'd be the most unattractive woman president we've ever had. EV-ER.
TE: Actually, we've never had --
DT: And is that what the voters want? Hell no. They want a woman in the White House who looks like Melania. So when people vote in November, they should think about whether they want a woman who looks like Melania or Hillary in the White House.
TE: Mr. Trump, you can't say that is what the voters should think about in November.
DT: (laughing) You guys. Haven't you learned? The more outrageous things I say, the more Republican votes I get.
TE: On that note, Mr. Trump, your harshest rhetoric in this campaign has been directed against an African-American, a woman and two Hispanics. The Democrats will say that you only attack minorities.
DT: I was very hard on Jeb Bush. Very hard. And he's not a minority.
TE: Very true.
DT: Although in fairness to me, he is married to a Hispanic.
TE: (Holding head in hands).
DT: Look, Establishment. I know you despise me, and think that I would be disaster for the country. But I promise you, whatever damage I do to our economy, or our diplomatic relations, or whatever, I will beat Hillary Clinton like we used to beat the scholarship kids at Wharton. So do we have a deal? Can I have the nomination?
TE: Do we have a choice?
DT: (Smiling) Not anymore.