BEST FILM
FENCES: Sorry, I prefer walls.
HIDDEN FIGURES: Is this about my taxes again??
LION: This is what people accuse me of doing all the time.
MANCHESTER BY THE SEA: So flattered that they did a film about my man, Chester, who shines my shoes at Mar-A-Lago
LA LA LAND: Since all of my children stutter, I am very happy with this film.
MOONLIGHT: I prefer sunlight as you cannot tan by moonlight.
ARRIVAL: I would say my biggest rival is Rosie O'Donnell.
HACKSAW RIDGE: Is this from the song "Ode to Billy Joe?"
HELL OR HIGH WATER: I have wrestled with this question since I was a child. Still undecided as both are very tempting.
MY PICK: Finding Dory although I thought the plot was confusing.
BEST ACTOR
The guy whose name I cannot pronounce from Captain Fantastic because he was just fantastic and the film was fantastic. I plan to see this one day, which honestly, would be fantastic.
BEST ACTRESS
Even though I think she is overrated, I would have to go with Meryl Streep as I always root for the underdog. I think it's fantastic for someone that old to get nominated, which obviously I bigly relate to. And PS: She sounded like me and Melania in the shower when we sing, "I Got You Babe."
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
I would choose Jeff Bridges because without a bridge you could not cross either hell or high water. When I was littleI enjoyed him very much on Seahunt.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Naomie Harris, Viola Davis or Octavia Spencer because that is what my earpiece is telling me. If it was up to me, it would be hands down Nicole Kidman who was just tremendous in Bewitched. Since I have been married mostly to women who became witches I was Darren, trust me.
BEST ANIMATED FILM
Ah, finally a category that I KNOW. I enjoyed "Moana" (Half way through I said to Steve Bannon, "Moan-a be giving daddy a Boan-a"). The Red Turtle I passed on because all I have to do is look down and there it is. Very sad. I would go with Zootopia because talking animals were my first choices across the board for the cabinet. Having to settle with second best was just a disaster.
BEST DIRECTOR
Mel Gibson because we are so damn alike it scares me. I call him for advice on how to deal with Israel all the time.
BEST DOCUMENTARY
My joke is you go to a doc when you are mentary ill. I have not a clue who these films are or what they did. I saw a film on venereal disease when I was in high school and cried for three days until they finally sedated me. Thought: when we take over the auto industry I am going to issue an executive order that will replace Crash Dummies with real people who are going to be executed anyway. It will save electricity tremendously.
BEST FOREIGN FILM
Land of Mine: which I did not personally see, but I have met many brave soldiers who have stepped on them. Note to self: Sign an executive order to make more foreign films in Pig Latin.
BEST MAKE UP AND HAIR STYLING
Finally a category that I relate to! I'm going with Suicide Squad because that's my nickname for my cabinet picks. Note: sign an executive order to get an Oscar for my make up man, Dweane and my hair stylist Macarena who have to work four hours every morning to get me ready. Also a supporting Oscar must to to Body by Jake who makes and gets me into all those corsets. Note to self: sign an executive order for all movie concessions to sell copies Hillary's concession speech which would be free with the purchase of a large coke and popcorn. Can we privatize and change the name to Koch?
BEST SONG
The Empty Chair because I'm a huge Clint Eastwood fan. It was an unbelievable performance and something I do even in the Oval Office whoever I am alone which is practically never because there are always handlers surrounding me slipping me Fig Newtons if I sit still. Note to self: I should be the permanent host of either the Oscars or the Academy Awards. Either one would be fine and appropriate. Melanie would be a presenter, though she has a habit of dropping things, like Eric when he was a baby.
Wow, I'm exhausted and need a weekend off to play golf. Frankly if the object of the game was to get the ball into those tiny holes, personally, I would never, ever play.
See you at the Oscars!