Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault.
Survivors of sexual assault often feel a burden weighing down on them. With the exception of those few, trusted people who we know would understand- more often than not because they have experienced the same trauma- it is difficult to even mutter out loud.
You feel shivers being sent down your spine, an uncontrollable amount of nausea and disgust, and a pit of shame and self-blame all at once.
There is a specific brand of shame that we tend to become associated with, and part of that is because we have learned to place blame on the victim. We as a misogynistic, brainwashed society have been doing that for the test of time, and that is finally starting to see a small but steady change. Regardless, a lot of survivors feel helpless and that is especially true for those of us who don’t have a voice.
People have told me time and time again that sex between two women isn’t real sex, therefore a woman can’t actually be raped by another woman.
Even if it was not consensual.
Even if that woman said no.
Even if it inflicted emotional damage and caused severe heartache.
Even if it hurt like hell. But where did someone go ahead and draw the line, deciding that rape had to involve some form of penetration?
Well, speaking in technical terms, most of the time a definition of the word does have to involve penetration. No one pointed out that oral sex wouldn’t fall under what would be considered rape, but it is implied to be an exception, not the rule. In fact, most in-depth descriptions of sexual assault won’t even mention that of a woman assaulting another woman.
But from the deepest, darkest, shattered pieces of my soul, and the disassociation I have had from being intimate with another person ever since, and the questioning what happened and if I was to blame, I stand here and remind everyone that yeah, it counts.
I was raped.
Seeing Timothy Heller describe her experience being sexually assaulted by former best friend and pop singer, Melanie Martinez, made me sad but also empowered. Watching her be open and vulnerable, sharing her experience as a form of grieving and helping others and spreading awareness and standing up to her abuser gave me a great deal of sorrow- but it gave me hope.
We need to start including women who are sexually assaulted by other women in this conversation of harassment and abuse. It has no bearing on the amount of cases there are, because those who experience it don’t care if it happens to a million women or ten women. Their experiences are valid. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen as often as it does with men and women.
These women have stories, too.
We have felt the same deal of pain and self-blame and disgust. We have fallen into a pit of depression and had no one else in this world who seemed to understand. We had to go back and lie in the bed that we were assaulted in and not weep ourselves to sleep, saturating the mattress in our own tears for a third night in a row.
We have gone through the same thing. We have our own stories to share, and our stories and experiences are no less valid than that of anyone else. None of us should feel as though we did something wrong because of what we were wearing, because of our state of mind, because of anything. I am done with that, and I am done with being treated like what happened to me didn’t count because of who followed me home and what was between their legs. I am done with allowing other people to define whether I was sexually assaulted or not based on their own definition of the word.
This was not me being too intoxicated and making a bad decision, nor is this less of a problem than someone else, this was rape.
If a woman who I had not been making any sexual advances at goes home with me, despite me telling her I want to go home alone, she is problematic.
If she pushes me underneath the stairwell of my apartment building, and shoves her hand up my dress while I make an attempt to leave, she is committing sexual harassment.
If she forces me upstairs as I repeatedly tell her no but refuses to take that as an answer, she is a rapist.
If she goes on to have sex with me without my consent as I tell her to stop, and eventually lie there motionless, numb, with tears welling up and streaming down my cheeks, she is a rapist.
Sexual harassment does not discriminate based on gender, or biological sex, or sexual orientation, or anything else. It continues to be a normal part of the messed-up world that we live in, but survivors are sharing their stories, and for the first time we’re really being heard. People are empowered and strong, and those who committed crimes and perpetrated these unthinkable, damaging acts are being persecuted for it.
That is fan-freaking-tastic. We’re bringing this shadowed subject into the light and igniting a much-needed, long-overdue discussion. But, while we’re doing so, we need to ensure that we’re not leaving people out of the equation.
#MeToo