Faking orgasms is no way to live your life.
It’s particularly important for women to speak up if climaxing is an issue; according to one 2005 study, less than a third of women reliably experience orgasms from intercourse alone.
Faking it may stroke your partner’s ego in the moment, but in the long run, sex therapists say you’re both losing out. Below, six reasons to stop pretending you’re sexually satisfied.
1. You’re losing out on the health benefits.
“Orgasm activates many beneficial neurochemicals, such as dopamine, vasopressin, endorphins and oxytocin. These neurochemicals provide many emotional and physical benefits, including improved sleep, temporary pain relief, decreased anxiety, immunity boost, improved concentration, overall well-being and a sense of euphoria. If you fake orgasms, you forfeit these protective benefits.” ― Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles, California
2. Faking it ruins sex for everyone else.
“I can’t tell you the number of men who tell me that after sleeping with upwards of 30 women, ‘none of them needed 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation!’ Obviously, this means many women are faking it since most women need about 20 minutes of melting body-to-body relaxation and then lots of clitoral stimulation. Porn often suggests to men that sex for a women is only about bigger, harder and longer thrusting intercourse but that’s not true. It’s about clitoral stimulation. Women need to clearly represent what they need, demand it and change their own sex life. That’s how you readjust male expectations.” ― Laurie Watson, a sex therapist and the author of Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage
3. Your partner will continue to get it wrong, over and over again.
“A big part of sex is the discovery and exploration of what we like and what the other person enjoys and needs to receive pleasure. When we have a real orgasm, we teach our partner what ‘works’ for us. A partner who is connected and paying attention can absorb that and continue to learn the technique and touches they believe brought you to orgasm. Lots of people feel like ‘taking too long’ or being ‘orgasmically difficult’ is the worst thing they can be; I say take your time, explore your orgasm and allow your partner to be on that journey with you. An hour of trying and exploring things that feel good, even without an orgasm, ultimately can still be beneficial.” ― Elizabeth McGrath, a sex therapist and educator who works in the Bay Area
4. Faking it is dishonest.
“Your partner may find out you’re faking it. How that affects their ego will depend on how they respond to the fact that you have essentially been lying to them. So while it might be comforting to them in the moment to think they are pleasing you, your sexual relationship is being built on a fundamental lie. Frankly, they’ll probably figure it out; no one is that good an actor. They might appreciate the effort but it’s a much bigger turn on to really feel someone orgasming, for real.” ― Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want and The New Monogamy
5. And lying again and again can just lead to a sex rut.
“Put simply, orgasms feel great and motivate you to want to have more sex. When you’re not having orgasms, the sex quickly becomes mediocre and frustrating and disincentives you from wanting more sex. Next thing you know, you’re in a sex rut. When you’re having orgasms with your partner, it generally means that you’re relaxed, sexually present, erotically stimulated in your body and connected to your partner. When you’re faking it, you’re often none of these things.” ― Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and New York Times-bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
6. At the end of the day ― or night ― your pleasure matters.
“When you fake an orgasm, the message that you send is that your pleasure is not important to you, or that it’s too much a burden for someone else. You not only rob yourself of feeling pleasure, but you rob your partner of the opportunity to please you, to learn more about you. You lose the intimacy and bonding that only orgasms can bring.” ― Moushumi Ghose, a sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented