I’ve said this in a whole lot of places, but I don’t think here quite yet. My name is Kate and I am an alcoholic. With my sobriety is coming a daily attempt at being a sober alcoholic as opposed to a dry drunk. For those familiar with the program I communicate with my sponsor regularly, I do my best to get to meetings regularly (when work allows), I even try and pray with regularity. That latter likely catches some of you by surprise as I have written in the past about my atheism. One of the things that’s been most useful in my pursuit of sobriety has been accepting that there’s a power greater than myself (Step 3 for those not in the program).
Among the many things remarkable about this pursuit of sobriety is that accepting there’s a power greater than myself has helped immensely, immeasurably, with my mental health issues. In some ways terrifyingly so, but ever since the first time I said, “My name is,” three years ago I’ve started to believe myself salvageable. I’m not a lost cause. I don’t have to drink, I don’t have to cut, I don’t have to dream about cutting the wheel sharply.
When I was in the hospital this last time, and later in the ambulance on my way to the inpatient facility, I said the Third Step Prayer. A lot. It’s the wallpaper on my phone so there are times I hit the power or home button on my phone to just read the prayer verbatim.
I’m fairly certain my God isn’t a Judeo Christian construction, but it’s something greater than just me. I’m not the be all end all. If you’ve ever been in program you know another key part of the program is sacrificing ego. That’s what accepting a power greater than myself has entailed. I’m neither the first nor last opinion of any consequence in any talk/argument/whatever.
Today I’m just trying to not be a trainwreck. And actively trying to not be a trainwreck is light years beyond where I spent most of my 33 years just trying to get from my alarm at the start of my day to bed time.
I recently said to my department manager, “I can see myself being here and doing more.” It’s been a heck of a long time since I’ve said such a thing. Since I’ve said such a thing and meant it. Said such a thing and not immediately had a panic attack.
I’m so grateful for the help I’ve gotten in the Rooms. There are many ways I’d not be alive had I not ever stepped into the Rooms.
Thank you all who I’ve met in the Rooms.
May today be another day of sobriety and gratefulness.