Photo: Greg Scarnici
As a native New Yorker who lives on Fire Island all summer, I've had scores of house guests stay with me over the years. Since I work in comedy and nightlife, this includes a plethora of DJs, drag queens, Go-Go boys, burlesque dancers and even a day trader or two (don't ask). If you're wondering why some get the honor of returning to sleep on the slow-leaking blow-up mattress on my living room floor while others do not, I've compiled a few dos and don'ts on being a house guest on Fire Island.
You're a gay man. Don't text me, "What should I bring!?!?" from Penn Station on your way out! Take along some wine, vodka or if you're visiting a sober house, Parcheesi. If you're going to The Grove, a half-drunk plastic bottle of Georgi could suffice, although if you show up with that shit in The Pines, you will immediately be added to the boycott list. So bring a bottle of Belvedere, or even better, Estee Lauder face masks.
You're dying to go to Tea, but since I live here all summer, I sometimes need a break from watching all those queens drink their facelifts off. Go and have a blast! And when I mention that dinner is at 10, please don't text me, "COMING NOW!" at 11:30. I may like to cook, but I'm not open 24/7 like some of the bottoms out here.
Speaking of dinner, don't wait until you arrive to inform me you are a gluten-free, lactose intolerant raw vegan. I have to prepare in advance for that kind of high maintenance faggotry, and the only thing raw this island serves up is dick! (Speaking of which, don't forget your Truvada.)
So you've devoured that dinner I worked on while you were social climbing at Tea. Now is not the time to recline on the couch to check your phone and play Candy Crush Saga. Help clear the table or do the dishes! Or if you're staying in The Pines, text Esmeralda to have her load the dishwasher and put the Special K in the oven.
Midnight rolls around and we decide to hit the Underwear Party. It's going to be packed, so I tell you to map your way back to the house in case we get separated. But still, come 5AM, my phone starts buzzing incessantly because you're lost and crying outside The Belvedere Guest House. Mind you, if you're staying in The Pines, just text Esmeralda to bring the yacht over when you're ready to go home.
You finally crash on the blow-up mattress I inflated while you were checking your Scruff messages on the couch the night before. Please don't sleep til 3PM and throw me and my housemates shade when we creep around you with our coffee at 10AM. Or if you're in The Pines, feel free to sleep all day in the air-conditioned pool house they have arranged for you.
Wait a minute -- I look closer and see you brought a trick home with you? And he's an unvetted Go-Go boy from Patchogue? Please don't bring trade in the house, unless of course, I introduced you to him. If you find yourself in this situation in The Pines, just throw him $250 to bottom for the house and all will be forgiven.
It's now 4PM and Sleeping Beauty has finally roused from her slumber and... is off to the Ice Palace? How about deflating that air mattress first? Or if you're in The Pines, now is the time to start complimenting Julio on his calf implants to make up for that failed joke about his Botox at Lina Tea the night before.
Sure, a little hair of the dog that bit you is always a good idea after you've drunk more than Logan Hardcore at her pool show, but don't be finishing all the vodka you didn't bring out and start going through my drag closet! I paid $14.99 for that camouflage jumpsuit at Rainbow and don't need it ruined! Actually, if you stay with me, you always have free reign to get into drag. After all, a good carry is always a way to ensure you'll be invited back.
In short, Fire Island can be a wild time. Just don't act like an animal when you get here and I'm sure you'll be invited back for lots more fun and sun-filled weekends.
Greg Scarnici is the author of the upcoming book, "I Hope My Mother Doesn't Read This." Connect with him and his social networks on www.gregscarnici.com