"How's the sex?"
"Who does what?"
"Can I join in?"
My wife and I have been happily married for many years and through many adventures. So we're frequently asked questions like the ones above. Sometimes it's by someone who's genuinely interested in how a bi marriage works. Other times, it's by somebody who's more curious about being with a bisexual couple.
Despite the fact that I'm sometimes caught off guard by these questions, anybody who truly wants to understand more about bisexuality is always welcome to start a conversation with me.
That said, I think it might be helpful to shed some light on how a bisexual marriage can work. Please note my use of the word "can." The insights I share are based on my own experiences. It's important to understand that relationships are as unique as the individuals in them, and other married bisexuals likely have their own distinct ways of making their relationships work.
Sex and Sexual Fluidity
My wife and I are both bisexual. In addition, we also both experience sexual fluidity. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a person who's sexually fluid can feel fluctuating degrees of attraction to another gender and/or or his or her own gender at varying points in life.
So what does this mean when it comes down to sex?
- We enjoy each other's mind and body. Our attraction to each other's mind and body is top priority for both of us. Because we know each other through and through on both a mental and physical level, we share a deep intimacy that forms the foundation of our marriage.
- We enjoy each other's bisexuality and fluidity. I find it beautiful and exciting that my wife is attracted to other genders, and I'm fortunate that she feels the same way about me. For us, this is an integral part of who we are.
- We share many of the same turn-ons. Just like in any other sexual relationship, in order for it to be successful, there has to be some common ground. We're fortunate to share a lot of common ground. Of course, our bisexuality and fluidity are important sources of pleasure to us. Additionally, we enjoy erotica, adult films and we're both into kink -- bondage, leather, latex, role-play (on condition it's all legal, consensual and safe).
- We're open to possibilities. From the moment we became a couple, we recognized stifling our bisexuality would be a recipe for disaster. We believe that being faithful to each other is an emotional and spiritual matter rather than a physical one. That's why we always consult with one another if we want to open our relationship. In addition, when we do, we're always up front to others about being married.
All of these factors together allow us to share a vast array of turn-ons. And since the mind is the most erogenous organ of all, it's safe to say our sex is nothing short of mind blowing.
Challenges and Pitfalls
We learned early on in our relationship that our bisexuality and sexual fluidity could be challenging unless we were completely open and honest to each other. Consider the following pitfalls:
- We can't compete with each other's same-sex attraction. I'm not a woman; she's not a man. One of the things that attracts us to one another is also what makes it impossible for us to be everything to each other all the time. The only way to deal with this is radical acceptance.
- Sexual fluidity can't be predicted or forced. With both of us experiencing fluidity, there are going to be times when we're out of synch. Over time, we've developed strategies for dealing with this. It starts with being honest about where we are, then finding if there's any common ground we can enjoy. If there is, we explore it. If not, we give each other the freedom to be ourselves until our cycles bring us closer together again.
- There's a risk of repression. During times when we're not in synch, we've both experienced the subconscious desire to repress our feelings so as not to hurt the other. But repression is unhealthy and can lead to stress and resentment. Over time, we've learned that it's imperative for us to acknowledge our feelings, even if that means our sex lives diverge for a while.
- Sometimes we need exclusivity. There are times when it's not good for our marriage to be open. This can be due to stress and/or external challenges, or it can be due to the fact that we simply want to be just the two of us for a while. Either of us can call for this exclusivity, and I'm proud to say both of us respect it.
Why Does It Work?
Just like any other successful relationship, our marriage is built on a deep appreciation and love of each other combined with trust and respect. Yet if I had to pinpoint the one thing that's critical to us being fully ourselves, it would have to be communication. Due to the very nature of our fluidity, patterns we develop today might not work tomorrow. But by communicating our thoughts, emotions and desires, we're able to navigate the twists and turns of our bi marriage -- and enjoy this exciting journey we're on together.
Also on HuffPost:
In a 2011 Esquire interview, Megan Fox confirmed her bisexuality, stating, "I think people are born bisexual and then make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man."
The Green Day front man opened up about his sexuality in a 1995 interview with The Advocate: "I think I've always been bisexual. I mean, it's something that I've always been interested in. I think everybody kind of fantasizes about the same sex. I think people are born bisexual, and it's just that our parents and society kind of veer us off into this feeling of 'Oh, I can't.' They say it's taboo. It's ingrained in our heads that it's bad, when it's not bad at all. It's a very beautiful thing."
Comedian Margaret Cho has long been open about her sexuality. In August 2013, Cho discussed the semantics surrounding her open marriage to artist Al Ridenour, saying that she's "technically not able to stay with one person sexually because I’m bisexual,” and joking that she just “can’t stop up that hole.” She also identifies as queer, and opened up about her sexuality in an interview with HuffPost Gay Voices Editor-At-Large Michelangelo Signorile.
Twice-married record executive and music mogul Clive Davis came out as bisexual in his 2013 memoir, The Soundtrack Of My Life. Davis opened up about two long-term relationships he had with men after his divorce from his second wife.
Actress Bai Ling is openly bisexual -- and the identity category has often provided some humorous mix-ups involving her first name. According to GLAAD, she discussed it in-depth in a 2009 interview with Entertainment Weekly: "[A]t first when I was in the United States I didn't always have an interpreter in interviews and I didn't speak English so well. There was some confusion. My name is pronounced 'bi,' so when I was asked, 'Are you bi?' I said, 'Yes, I am Bai.' Do you like men? 'Of course!' Do you like women? 'Why yes!' And later I found out what that means and I said, 'Sure, I am bi!' But I think the interpreters and the reporters thought that I didn't know what I was saying because I was so open about it. They were uncomfortable about it. Such a thing is not important for me."
The "Portlandia" star and former guitarist and vocalist for Sleater-Kinney is often assumed to identify as gay. However, she told "Willamette Week" in 2012 that, "It’s weird, because no one’s actually ever asked me. People just always assume, like, you’re this or that. It’s like, ‘OK. I’m bisexual.’”
The star of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" revealed that she's bisexual in an "Inside Edition" interview in April 2015. Her daughter "Pumpkin" Lauryn Thompson also came out as bi at the same time.