Doug Hoffman Wins an Olympic Gold Medal, Gets Reagan Elected and F***s a Rat

Doug Hoffman is running for Congress on the nonentity ticket. Vote for me, I had an indeterminate job in winter sports the year the Hostages came home? Is this some kind of gag?
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

Doug Hoffman is running for Congress on the nonentity ticket. A millionaire accountant who's not even eligible to vote in the district he seeks to serve, Doug has never previously held nor sought elected office. He has no public record of, well, anything. He seems to own cars -- that comes up a lot in his campaign literature -- and I guess that says something. He was in the Army Reserves in the seventies, just like Dan Quayle, but it's unclear if he ever served in an area east of Lake George. He has a full raft of Christian prejudices, but if he's a practicing member of any church, it hasn't come out.

It's not just that he doesn't have a record. He doesn't have dental records.

And, according to 300 people polled by the Club for Growth (the same people who just gave him 300 grand) he's pulling into the lead.

What Doug Hoffman really has is an accountant's willingness to repeat what he's told. Glenn Beck is mad as hell about ACORN? So is Doug Hoffman. The Concerned Women for America don't like abortion? Neither does Doug Hoffman. The Family Research Council hates gay people? So does Doug. Did you bring the check?

No one cares about their accountant's life story. They just need him to get the numbers to work.

Still, it must be hard to get a crowd fired up. Even the name, "Doug." It's like someone started writing "Douglas" and lost interest.

A candidate needs a backstory, if only to prove he wasn't born in Kenya. And here's Doug's, in his own words:

In 1980, I helped Lake Placid with our Olympics when the US beat the Russians in hockey - the same year Reagan was elected. It's time to send Washington a new message now.

Also, did I mention I own a car?

Vote for me, I had an indeterminate job in winter sports the year the Hostages came home? Is this some kind of gag?

Now, this would just be kind of tragic, if the speaker didn't have a fair chance of being elected to the U.S. Congress, a job once held by Lincoln. Which is the name of a car.

I guess Doug Hoffman had some role in the Miracle on Ice, although, if memory serves, the assist went to Pavelich. Hoffman was the Olympics' accountant. (The Games ended up $6 million in debt and had to be bailed out by Jimmy Carter.) The connection between Hoffman's math skills and the Reagan Revolution is a bit of a stretch.

Aristotle called this particular stretch Spurious Enthymeme #7:

Another line consists in representing as causes things which are not causes, on the ground that they happened along with or before the event in question. They assume that, because B happens after A, it happens because of A. Politicians are especially fond of taking this line.

And you can trust Aristotle, because he was from Greece, and so are elections, like the one Ronald Reagan won.

If I can editorialize for a second, are you kidding?

Here's something less amusing -- but more revealing -- about Doug Hoffman's website: It contains an Internet era update of a dirty trick Nixon's men used to call "rat fucking."

Dems love Dede

According to the Draft Dede as a Democrat blog, "we will have her on all of our key issues from card check, to health care, to taxes, social issues and who knows what else."

And then it has the web address of a blog called PlanetAlbany, linking to a blog called Draft Dede as a Democrat. Pretty damning stuff, right? Dede Scozzafava - Hoffman's Republican opponent - is actually a Democrat! And the proof is right there in this blog that links to this other blog, by some Democrats so proud of Dede Scozzafava that they prefer to remain completely anonymous.

That's how crafty they are.

Dede Scozzafava is their secret puppet and their plan is so fiendishly clever they can't wait to blog about it.

Or maybe Draft Dede at a Democrat isn't real. Take a look, and judge for yourself.

Classic rat fucking involves things like printing fake campaign literature for the other candidate where he promises, if elected, to commit unspeakable crimes and making infuriating late night phone calls from non-existent groups, The Child Pornographers' League, for instance, endorsing your opponent. The fake blog is a new wrinkle.

Why are half the articles on Draft Dede about how clever it would be to trick people into voting for her and the other half about what a disaster she is?

Why would a Democrat write something like:

It took years for one of ours to finally infiltrate the National Republican Party apparatus and wreak civil war within the GOP. Call it the Socialist Watergate of 2009, but with Scozzafava as the Republican nominee in NY-23 we will finally have the keys to the National Republican Party -- and with it -- almost certain access to all its ugly organs of operation...

When Dede wins, she will carry our water and also give us greater insight into the broader internal workings of the right-wing nuts running the corrupt partisans, otherwise known as the Republican House Caucus (talk about a self-inflicted wound)...

Dede Scozzafava, a wolf in sheep's clothing. This could be one of the greatest "Alinksy" coups of all time.

... and I'm telling you all this, Mr. Bond, because you won't be alive to see it.

Why would anyone write anything like that?

Except to rat fuck someone.

In The Man Who Was Thursday, a secret organization of anarchists disguises itself as a secret organization of anarchists, but I'm pretty sure Chesterton was kidding. I think Draft Dede only exists in some creepy liar's head and the Hoffman campaign either knows, or should know.

Because winning isn't worth it, if you cheat. Didn't Doug Hoffman learn anything when he was playing hockey in the Olympics?

Go To Homepage

Popular in the Community