Doug's Dozen: 12 Job Interview Questions for the Next NFL Commissioner

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has come under fire for claiming he never knew about the Ray Rice abuse video until it made the news. Combined with all the other NFL-related scandals, the smell of burning white bread suggests Goodell will soon be toast. Which means the National Football League will need to interview a replacement. To aid in the process, here is....


1. As Commissioner, you should check your inbox...

a) daily.
b) weekly.
c) monthly.
d) whenever you see it on TMZ.

2. Explain why hits on a bong are more dangerous than hits on a human being.

3. Complete this phrase: Spare the rod, and spoil...

a) the child.
b) the fun.
c) your chance to spend the season in jail.

4. A 360-pound athlete must never hit someone one-third his size unless...

a) she's coming at him with a running chain saw.
b) she's saying really hurtful things.
c) absolutely never (when there's the slightest possibility of a camera.)

5. Repeated head trauma can cause...

a) dementia.
b) Parkinson's.
c) Lou Gehrig's Disease.
d) Here's a hundred grand, get lost.

6. When a team's player is found to be abusing his wife or girlfriend, the League should offer her...

a) a safe place to live.
b) counseling and financial support.
c) fifty bucks and a bus ticket.

7. Which of the following substances will end a player's career in the NFL?

a) Steroids.
b) Human Growth Hormone.
c) Someone else's blood on his fists.
d) None of the above, if he's discreet.

8. The best thing about the first gay NFL player will be...

a) advancing civil rights.
b) a broader fan base.
c) more evenly-matched abuse videos.

9. If we can get all the wife-beaters and child abusers out of the NFL it will...

a) start a national dialogue.
b) start families healing.
c) start the hockey season in September.

10. The importance of college football is that...

a) it develops talent.
b) it doesn't cost the League a cent.
c) it weeds out a lot of cripples.

11. Essay question: Tell your interviewer the biggest lie you can think of, without stammering or blinking.

12. You have never beaten up any family member outside your home: True or False?

Read's Doug's comic novel, Memoirs of a Time Traveler,

"You couldn't ask for a finer guide to the future - or the past - than Doug Molitor. Having so thoroughly enjoyed his 'Memoirs of a Time Traveler,' the next book I read is, without a doubt going to be his 'Memoirs of a Time Traveler' again."
-- Larry Gelbart (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, TV's M*A*S*H, Tootsie.)

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