News item: San Diego Mayor Bob Filner announces he'll undergo intensive two-week therapy to cure his inappropriate conduct with women.
Mayor Filner has been accused of harassment, including grabbing asses, putting women in headlocks, and whispering sexual remarks in their ears. Seven women have publicly accused him of sexual misconduct, including a retired Navy admiral, a San Diego State University dean, a leader in the city's tourism industry, and the head of a group of business owners in San Diego Port District.
Two weeks of therapy? That's 14 days! Man, what is this, the Middle Ages?
Mayor Bob, I can get you out in twelve, with two days to celebrate afterward at Hooters.
And, I accept Medi-Cal.
So without further ado, here's....
DOUG'S DOZEN: MY 12-DAY SEX THERAPY PROGRAM FOR MAYOR BOB FILNER
DAY 1: Meet with female head of clinic, followed by two-hour cold shower
DAY 2: Full-day massage with unhappy ending
DAY 3: One-on-one seminar: "Experiencing the Headlock" with Hulk Hogan
DAY 4: Therapy with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, followed by three-hour cold shower
DAY 5: Aversion therapy, utilizing Ann Coulter's early work in porn
DAY 6: Massage with extremely unhappy ending
DAY 7: Aversion therapy: Choice of electroshock or more Ann Coulter (most choose electroshock)
DAY 8: Midterm exam: Dinner and drinks with MMA Champion Gina Carano
DAY 9: (Free day - in hospital)
DAY 10: Physical therapy focused on learning to walk again
DAY 11: Veggie chopping lesson with Lorena Bobbitt
DAY 12: Final exam administered by Scarlet Johansson in a thong
(Repeat as often as necessary)
See more Doug's Dozen lists and Doug's comic novel at www.dougsdozen.com.