Slut-shaming a bride is certainly not appropriate. It's her big day, and no matter what you think of the wedding gown, you'd do well to keep it to yourself. You never know when the snark that comes out of your mouth will be repeated back to the bride by another wedding guest, and accurately attributed to you.
With that said, telling your good friend the bride that her wedding dress is too revealing ahead of the big day isn't slut shaming. That's calling being a GOOD FRIEND. There is a very fine line between sexy and slutty, and it's a boundary you don't want to cross on your wedding day.
I think it's important to be clear on one point, from the very beginning. Some wedding gowns are designed to be almost inappropriately revealing. Sheer panels from the neck to the bikini line, front and back, with lace covering up everything else God gave you seem to be in style in places other than the fashion runway (which, btw, is where I wish it would stay). In fact, we're seeing more and more skin on brides every year. Sometimes, wedding gowns actually cover less than bathing suits. Cosmopolitan did a really good slideshow of "scandalous" wedding gowns, like the ones featured here.
I may not fully endorse the sexy trend in wedding gowns (maybe because it's taken sexy across the slutty line), but I can appreciate that the designer created them with a certain bride in mind. A bride with teeny-tiny proportional measurements whose private parts would, in fact, be completely covered by the opaque material of the gown. A bride with breasts that will actually be covered by the slips of material that are supposed to cover them, and for whom boob tape is used as a back-up measure in case something shifts, not to keep the nipples from pointing south.
The designers are envisioning their gowns being worn by young, ultra-thin, small-boned girls. The dress is supposed to look like it's just floated over their heads and landed on them perfectly. And when worn by a woman with the body type the designers envisioned, these gowns can be both sexy and elegant.
Unfortunately, any woman can purchase pretty much any dress she wishes. And as long as she can get the gown to zip, using whatever means necessary, she can wear it down the aisle. That doesn't mean it's a good idea, but it's done all the time by brides who do not realized that wearing an improperly-fitting wedding dress makes you look bigger than you actually are. That's where the help of an honest friend comes in handy.
Back fat is not sexy. It's especially not sexy when the dress is too tight and a roll laps over the top of the back of the dress. It's really obvious in corset-style gowns, when it looks like the bride is wearing a too-tight sausage casing. Big butts, while they add great shape to many women, often need to be tamed into a Spanx-type of cage to look sleek under a form-fitting dress. Ivory satin clinging to a jiggly bum as it goes down the aisle looks a bit too much like two pigs fighting under a blanket, to borrow a favorite expression of my mother's. And let's face it, God never intended the dimples in your hiney to be visible through a dress in the front of a church.
Strapless, form-fitting bodices are both a blessing and a curse to big girls. When they fit properly, they are a blessing. They squeeze everything in and push everything up, and give us a waist if we don't usually have one. But there's only so many places our "extra" can go, and you have to be cautious about too much escaping up top. A poufy skirt can hide a muffin top below, but too much boob up top and you start to look like you're wearing a burlesque costume instead of a dress to get married in. It makes all the wedding guests wonder who helped her choose her dress, and told her that was a good idea.
No fat shaming going on here – I'm fat. I was fat when I got married, and went through the wedding gown shopping process, and I'm still fat now. I'm certainly not one of those "love my plus-size body" women. I wish I was much, much smaller. But with that said, when it comes to clothing, I am a realist. And when I got married, I chose a wedding gown that flattered my shape. Was it sexy? I believe my husband thought so. It showed enough cleavage that I had to be careful when I bent over. But there was nothing overtly inappropriate about it. I didn't even look at those dresses. I don't dress that way in real life, so why would I slut it up for my wedding?
I think I just made an important point. Women who show an extraordinary amount of skin in their wedding dresses are used to flaunting what God gave them (or what they've augmented). These are the same women who think a bustier is an appropriate top to wear to Grandma's house for dinner. And who wear skirts that make you wonder how they sit down. This is how they dress regularly. It's their own style. The conflict occurs when bigger brides try to wear super-sexy dresses designed to show off the attributes of women with B-cups, not E-cups. They aren't designed to flatter curves, or even cover them properly. I think this picture from Ranker.com is an excellent example.
To be sure, there are sexy, plus-size wedding gowns available, but not as many slutty ones as the market apparently requires. You can order most dresses in bigger sizes, but still, they weren't designed for anything other than the perfect silhouette. Certainly there are some larger women with perfect shape, I just don't happen to be one of them, and I think I am in the majority here. Wedding pictures feature many shots of the bride from every single angle. So it's more important than ever for a bride to choose something that fits her properly, all the way around. Bulges are noticeable, even if the person wearing the dress can't see them.
And let's just take a moment to discuss nipples. I don't care how big or small you are, your nipples should never show in your wedding gown. There shouldn't even be a chance of an escape. That's just tacky and trashy. It's actually offensive to many wedding guests, because the bride is the center of attention, and it's hard to keep focused on her face when the tops of her areolas are clearly visible, and you don't want to miss the exact second when the nipple makes its first appearance at the wedding. Sound juvenile? Maybe. But I'm being honest. It's hard to focus on a boring toast by the bride's father when you know that everyone else is staring at the same thing you are, and every time the bride bursts into laughter, everyone is waiting with baited breath to see if the inevitable will actually happen at that important moment.
A bride should look, and feel, beautiful on her wedding day. For many women, feeling "beautiful" is synonymous with feeling "sexy." But there is a fine line between sexy and slutty, and your wedding day is a good time to exercise more caution than usual.
A number of my clients over the years have exercised poor judgment in selecting their wedding gowns, for all of the reasons noted above. I have a lot of pictures of great examples of what not to do, but I'm not going to shame my brides by posting them – there are enough bad examples online already. I'm pretty sure that many of them realized they'd made an unfortunate decision when they were struggling to keep themselves covered at their wedding receptions. Those who didn't know they had a problem certainly realized it when their wedding pictures arrived. It's straight out of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine sends out Christmas cards with a nipple visible in her picture. The brides are horrified, and nothing in the world can undo it.
Choose your wedding gown with care. If the only way it covers your private spots is with lots of double-sided tape, you're looking at a nightmare. When you start dancing, you will sweat. When you sweat, even the most expensive boob tape will slip. There's no coming back from that and still having fun at your wedding. Some of the most-revealing gowns were never intended to be moved around in more than the model moves on the runway at the bridal fashion show.
If you do want a super-sexy wedding dress, and you're not an easy fit, take an honest and blunt friend with you to the bridal shop. Theoretically, the bridal consultant will tell you if too much is showing. But if that's the kind of dress you really want and there's nothing that would actually keep you safely covered, she might swallow her personal opinion to sell you the dress you really want. Even if you look absolutely obscene in it.
Stand and be scrutinized all the way around. Sit down and do the same thing. Then try moving around like you're dancing. Actually jump up and down a bit, and see if your boobs are still covered. Bend at the waist as if you were looking at something on a table. True, your gown should be properly fitted by a seamstress when it arrives, and the sample you're trying on won't be a completely accurate portrayal of how your body will behave in your own dress. But it will give you a pretty good idea of what's going to happen when you move, and the fabric moves, too.
A good friend will tell you if you're making a huge mistake with a dress you love. Your mom may not be the best critic if she always thinks you dress inappropriately. Take a friend who dresses sexy and rocks the look - she will tell you honestly if the gown you like isn't flattering to your figure. Let's face it, if the friend who you think shows too much skin vetoes a wedding dress, it's probably a good call to listen to her. Imagine what your relatives - and his relatives - would think if that's her reaction.
Until next time, happy wedding planning from Sandy Malone Weddings & Events!