For the first time in three decades I am single. As in not romantically involved with someone. It's a weird feeling. I first noticed it (the feeling, not the fact that I was single) the other morning when I was getting dressed. I was standing in my closet and I didn't know what to wear. It wasn't my typical fashion conundrum. It was deeper than that. I didn't know how to dress myself because I couldn't identify myself.
Who was I?
I was neither wife nor partner nor lover. My days as dressing as a practical hands-on mother were long gone. As my own boss, I have the freedom to show up in my PJs if I choose. And the move to a new house and a new closet had left me living out of a suitcase for far too long. I didn't know where to find my clothes, and once I did, they didn't seem to make sense to me. All the people for whom I had donned an outfit - either for sensible or sensual reasons, were gone from my life.
When I was first married and childless, I was the up and coming career girl. I wore suits and stockings and pumps and played dress up of sorts, trying to look older and more polished because I was not only a professional, but someone's wife.
Then the babies came, and my body changed, and I had an identity crisis, but that was OK because when you have babies you are supposed to question who you are and what the hell you are doing. But the wardrobe is simple. Gone are the suits that don't fit and the pumps that are impractical, not to mention too tight, because your feet grew a full size with each pregnancy. All you wear are sweats, T-Shirts, and baggy sweaters to hide the flap of pregnancy skin and droopy boobs.
And after a certain point, when you have time and energy to care, you seamlessly morph into sports bras and yoga pants and running shoes because that's what young moms -- and even older moms -- wear. It's practical, besides, and the spandex gives you hope that one day you may actually get your old body back.
Then one day my kids were a bit older and gone most of the day, and my husband was gone all of the time, and I fell in love and started having an affair. Gone were the sports bras and practical panties. I dressed for love. I dressed for sex and adventure. I washed and styled my hair. I wore lacy things and skinny jeans and pretty tops. I was dressing for a reason. I was dressing for someone.
The in between stage -- between being married and divorced and now single -- was like a costume box. Sometimes I had to dress like a wife, or a mother, or a lover, or a businessperson, or someone going to court. There was a mental script for each day, and the days when I wore many hats, well, those days I wore many clothes, like layers of a personality. There was some freedom in my wardrobe choices, and I found myself buying new things and trying new looks to capture the essence of who I was at that moment, or who I was going to be later in the day.
Now that I am single I can dress without thought. But I'm not sure what to wear. Nobody will notice if I wear a lacy thong or boy shorts; should I put some effort into my outfit if I'm dressing only for myself? Do I want to be comfortable or fashionable? Do I care, if nobody is there to mention that I look pretty or sexy?
My body has changed -- shrunken with fatigue and sadness, so even the familiar outfits hang differently and look strange. The unpredictable weather seems to be taunting me with extreme temperatures one day to the next, making me unsure if I should wear a sweater or a sleeveless dress.
Perhaps when the temperatures settle and my mind settles into its new role as simply me, my ability to dress will come more naturally. Maybe I'll find new favorites, or a whole new wardrobe, or maybe I'll just find that regardless of what I'm wearing, I'm comfortable with who I am.