They all say the same thing.
“Don’t be so negative.”
“Stop being cynical.”
“Man, you’re jaded.”
And they’re right. I am. I’m all of those things.
But I have reasons.
History tells me to be negative.
Experience tells me to be cynical.
My past makes me jaded.
They’ll continue, in that charming sorta way, “don’t you like me? Aren’t we having fun? Don’t you want to see where this goes?”
They talk future. They talk exclusivity. They talk weeks from now, months from now, years from now.
It’s hard for me.
I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I wait for that moment for when I finally give in, when I finally get comfortable, when I finally let my guard down. When I finally say, yeah, they’re right – your attitude determines what happens to you in life. Maybe things *will* work out. Maybe he *is* a good one. Maybe the other shoe *won’t* drop this time.
Maybe there won’t be some bombshell or reveal about an awful personality trait or skeletons in their closet or maybe there won’t be that disheartening heart-sinking moment; they one where you go, “fuck,” and realize…
This isn’t going to work.
Maybe this is going to be it; the time where I finally meet the right person and don’t have this messy complicated thing that ends in disappointment, sadness, anger or regret.
REGRET.
Maybe things are different now; I finally know how to pick ‘em, I finally know what I want and don’t want and therefore cannot POSSIBLY have chosen wrong again, no. Things are going to be good this time. I deserve that. I want that. And the universe knows it.
So I tell them. “I’m in.”
I won’t be negative, I won’t be cynical, I won’t be jaded.
I’ll be positive, I’ll be idealistic, I’ll be hopeful.
I won’t wait for the other shoe to drop.
But then it always does.