Image courtesy of spotlight.vitals.com
Dublin, Ireland -- The ultimate medical nightmare has occurred in Ireland's Dublin General Hospital as a drunken surgeon accidentally switched a man's nose and penis. Harry O'Riley was admitted to the hospital on Christmas morning for a lower GI x-ray to test for a possible ulcer. The next thing he remembers was being awoken by a nurse's screaming. "I didn't need to ask her what was wrong," recalls O'Riley.
"I could plainly see me willie-wacker hangin' down in front of me mouth. I pushed aside the cover and there, where me willie-wacker once was, was me bloomin' nose!" The nurse ran to summon other nurses and doctors, all of whom entered O'Riley's room, took one look at him and either screamed, laughed, fainted, or, in one case, threw up. Eventually they had to tell him the truth -- that surgeon Paddy McPherson had had one too many glasses of Christmas eggnog and had accidentally transplanted O'Riley's nose and penis.
McPherson has been placed on an unpaid leave of absence while the hospital investigates the incident. O'Riley, however, is wasting no time waiting for the results of the investigation. He is suing both McPherson and the hospital for $100 million for malpractice as well as punitive and emotional damages.
O'Riley has already experienced a multitude of drawbacks resulting from his now having a penis where his nose once was -- and a nose in his groin area. "For one thing, it's definitely much more challenging to get dates," complains O'Riley. No matter what opening line I use, women can't seem to ignore the fact that I've got a big shlong in the middle of my face." Sex brings a whole new set of problems. "If I'm with a woman in public and I'm excited to be with her, everybody knows it -- plus it blocks my vision," sighs O'Riley.
Perhaps most upsetting, O'Riley has been let go from his job as a first grade teacher. "We can't very well have a man with a penis nose teaching our innocent youngsters, now can we?"" sniffs Sister Martha Cooper, principal of St. Agnes Catholic School. "Half the children were scared out of their minds and the other half kept calling him 'Mr. Penis-Face.'"
While O'Riley researches surgeons who could operate to bring him back to normal, he's receiving a wide variety of offers such as having his own exhibit room in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum, his own reality TV show called Switched Appendages, and his own "anatomically-incorrect" doll called Peter Penis-Face. "But whatever I get out of this," states O'Riley, "even if it's the full $100 million, I'll no doubt be called 'Mr. Penis-Face' for the rest of my life -- and you can't really put a price on that kind of humiliation."