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Duke Cunningham to Gitmo? New Congressional Outcry

"This is America, for God's sake," House Speaker Rep. Denny Hastert (R-IL.) thundered. "We don't torture people."
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WASHINGTON, May 28 -- The growing Congressional anger over the Bush Administration's raid on Rep. William Jefferson's office last week is likely to explode further -- thanks to rumors that the Justice Department is planning to ship convicted Congressional felons to Guantanamo Bay. Despite the lack of any meaningful Congressional monitoring or response to widespread illegal wiretapping and data mining of American citizens, and the brutal torture of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and other facilities, a bipartisan group of Congressmen has finally stood up against the expansion of executive power. They're angered not only by the Jefferson raid but the planned shipment of convicted bribe-taker Randy "Duke" Cunningham and other potential targets of Congressional investigations -- if they're convicted -- to "Gitmo" and other sites free of judicial and international oversight.

"This is America, for God's sake," House Speaker Rep. Denny Hastert (R-IL.) thundered. "We don't torture people, and we should respect the Constitution and human rights!" He announced that a bipartisan group of Congressmen will join Amnesty International and the American Civil Liberties Union to further these advocacy groups' legislative and political agendas. "All human beings should be treated with dignity, even if they're prisoners or suspects of criminal investigations. This abuse of civil liberties can't be tolerated for one more minute."

At Gitmo and elsewhere, some insiders say, Cunningham and other potential felons, which could include Reps. Tom Delay, Bob Ney and Willian Jefferson, could be subjected to the same treatment as suspected (or wrongly accused) terrorists. In the same way that American guards forced Muslim prisoners to be smeared with fake menstrual blood and wear underwear on their heads, the Congressmen willl be sexually embarassed in ways unique to American macho culture -- for instance, they'll be forced to strip to their underwear in front of gay men who will then dance around them and plant kisses on their lips as 70's-era disco music plays.

They'll also be subjected to unmuzzled guard dogs unleashed on them during interrogations, forced to eat meals that they pay for themselves and, in a mocking tribute to their fondness for golf junkets, they'll be subjected to "golfboarding." This new coercion technique, approved by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales as "permitted under existing law because it doesn't cause death or organ damage," according to sources familiar with the Justice Department plan, involves placing the convicted Congressmen in over-size golf bags and then flinging them into water traps on any nearby golf courses -- or in large vats of water if golfing isn't available. They're then held under water until they agree to provide the names of other legislators and lobbyists who participated in their assorted bribery and influence-peddling schemes. Administration officials, while not confirming that "golfboarding" is part of the menu of interrogations techniques to be used in the spreading Congressional corruption probe, defend the practice as a professional interrogation technique, similar to "waterboarding" used on accused terrorists. But one administration source offered an olive branch to Congresional Republicans newly concerned about civil liberties: "It's more likely to be effective on black Democrats than white Republicans."

But that's not likely to appease concerned Congressmen of either party as news spread of the plans to treat convicted Congressmen just like those labeled "illegal enemy combatants." Rep. Hastert rejected the comparison: "They're brutal animals who have no regard for law, human rights or international treaties, while we're American citizens!"


Update: For readers and bloggers who may have missed the point, this is a parody, Onion-style, aiming to underscore Congressional hypocrisy. Unfortunately, it's a little too close to reality.