Earning Students' Respect

During my long history of one and a half years as a teacher, I have developed a great understanding of effective methods of educating my students. With my great intellect, I have discerned that a fundamental aspect of being a successful teacher is earning the respect of one's students.

Traditionally, respect is earned by instilling a sense of fear or love in one's subjects. Machiavelli famously argued that since love is fickle, governing by fear is by far the more effective way to guarantee obedience. Another great man by the name of Michael Scott is known for his insightful response to the question, "As a leader, would you rather be feared or loved?" To which he replied, "Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Let that sink in for a bit.

By adhering to the strict philosophy preached by these virtuous men, I have managed to establish phenomenal order and efficiency in my modest classroom. I dare say at this point in my great undertaking, I have earned both the respect and love of every single student that has been graced by my presence. At this point I would like to expound the secrets to my raging success.

As a teacher, we are given great power over our students. And with great power comes great responsibility, as Jesus once said. Though is it my job to teach U.S. history, I consider it my duty to do not only that, but also bestow upon my pupils the wisdom that only comes from having existed on this planet for 24 long years. I'm like Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society, except younger, taller, and I haven't led any of my students to suicide. (Spoiler alert.)

The first thing I do at the beginning of each term is assign a paper where students write about and examine their greatest insecurities. This gives them the illusion that I actually care about them, and allows me to learn their weaknesses so I can exploit them in the future. For example, there's nothing more motivating to a student than scribbling "Try harder next time, fatty" on the poorly written essay of a girl who's insecure about her weight.

To prepare them for the real world, I have also threatened to fire students from my class if they are unable to turn in a report on time. Upon learning that this was against school policy, I had to adjust my tactics. So instead, I hung up two giant poster boards in front of the class titled "Students who will never succeed in life" and "Students likely to end up in prison". This has been superb in encouraging them to be punctual and well-behaved, and students that end up with their name on either of these boards often leave the class anyway.

I am also careful not to grade papers while in a good mood. It's important to make sure that positive feelings don't affect my godlike judgement. In order to avoid giving any undeserved A's, I get drunk and watch those animal cruelty videos that vegans send people to convince them not to eat meat. This gets me fired up and passionately antagonistic, which is the only state in which one can grade a student's writing fairly.

To help my students focus during tests, I have created mix tapes of whale sounds and postmodern atonal classical music to play during exams. I would highly recommend this to any teacher. Your students will respect how cultured you are. As a true testament to the success of this practice, some of my class have even begun singing along with the whale sounds. However, they are not very good at it, and it often sounds as if they are simply groaning. But I can't blame them for being tone deaf. I'm just glad they enjoy it so much.

As a final suggestion for the teachers out there who are truly dedicated to their occupation, getting a large elaborate tattoo can be an incredible asset in earning the respect of your students. For bonus points, be sure to show it off by picking fights with other teachers and taking your shirt off to reveal the extent of your beautifully inked bod. This demonstrates your ability to take pain as well as a great fighting spirit. Everyone will think you are totally cool.

And isn't that what being a teacher is really all about?