Davos, Switzerland
In a move that stunned the participants at the close of the World Economic Forum here in Davos, Earth, Wind & Fire announced a unilateral hike in the Fed Funk Rate, in hopes that an ecstatic, joy-glorious increase in worldwide funk can stave off a global recession.
The move was preceded by the triumphantastic sounds of the EWF horn section heard around the rarefied precincts of the World Economic Forum, as participants including British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Bill Gates, Arianna Huffington, Queen Rania, Tracy Morgan and Charlie Rose among others gathered for the announcement.
Philip Bailey, the legendary EWF lead singer, began the press conference by laying out the challenges for the world economy. Bailey, who cannot communicate through conventional speech, made the announcement in his trademark falsetto, to the tune of the band's 1977 hit, "Fantasy", which they performed late last year as funk ambassador emeriti at the Nobel Peace Prize concert in Oslo Sweden.
"Every land has a bank, in its books, there's a stank...And the world, can't erase liabilities....Take a ride, in the sky, watch the markets collide....All your liens, will go boom, right away!And we, must live, to-gether! No hope, of escape, whatsoever!Our choices will sting, forever, noooo fun!!!"
The rest of the band then began clapping their hands over their heads, along with their synchronized dance moves. They chose some of their more fanciful outfits from the 1970s, as opposed to the stately black and white worn recently at the Nobel concert. This was presumably to help generate more funk among the crowd. Maurice White, EWF founder, who can speak, delivered the official announcement.
"Now, y'all know the comin' recession isn't what our magical Creator would want for His investors around His great good Earth, am I right? We gotta help brother Ben {Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke}, he can't do this alone. So I want to know, y'all, you ready to raise the funk?
U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon said, quietly, "uh, yes".
"I said....y'all READY TO RAISE THE FUNK?"
George Soros yelled "YES!", pumping his fist in the air.
Prime Minister Brown, Queen Rania, Christopher Hitchens, and former Vice President Al Gore all yelled "YES! YES!" At that point, EWF launched into a spirited version of "Let's Groove" as the crowd sang "let's groove to-night! Share the spice of life!"
Euro futures jumped on word of the EWF hike in global funk, but U.S. market futures actually fell after an initial boost. Investors there seemed to believe that if EWF was inspired to take such a drastic step, then economic conditions must be more severe than previously known.