From Eddie to Madison: Trans Journey

I had found the Yin to my Yang and my ultimate BFF. We both went into our own directions but kept in contact and then I received the call. Eddie called me to inform me he was not gay. I remember thinking that this was a lost Queen and there was no way that he was straight.
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Rainbow flags hanging from the balconies of an old house in the Chueca neighborhood of Madrid, in occasion of the 2014 gay pride celebrations.
Rainbow flags hanging from the balconies of an old house in the Chueca neighborhood of Madrid, in occasion of the 2014 gay pride celebrations.

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Eddie in Atlanta, early 90's

I met Eddie in the early 90's on a dance floor of a gay bar in Pensacola, Florida that had been converted from a scuba shop. Looking back, it was quite cinematic with the late night joke being "Who would get thrown into the training pool?"

Eddie was tall with long blonde hair and a radiant energy. I was tall with long brown hair and a dry sense of humor; it just so happens my name is Eddie too. We quickly formed a comedic duo with our opening line being "Hi, I'm Eddie" and "Hi, I'm Eddie" which took us past every club line and into every VIP lounge from Atlanta to Miami to New York City.

I had found the Yin to my Yang and my ultimate BFF. We both went into our own directions but kept in contact and then I received the call. Eddie called me to inform me he was not gay. I remember thinking that this was obviously a lost Queen and there was no way possible he was straight. My world got rocked; "I'm not gay because I am a woman." My mind flipped through all our times together.

I had a few days where I wondered if my alter ego was really a woman then maybe I was a woman. I tried to be strong and accepting. I am not sure if I ever told him but I cried several times at the thought of losing my "Eddie". So, now we had to begin the journey of gestation for "Madison." The sense of humor was still there. The Yin to my Yang was still there. Her big feet did not get smaller; therefore, I had some frames of reference to guide me through this transition. We have never been to therapy together but as life long friends; I asked her to do an interview.

EP- Madison, to get started, can you explain what it was like to not think of yourself as a gay male but as a woman?

MW- I never really thought of myself as a gay male, or male at all-that was the problem. My brain thought my groin had a vagina. Almost like it was sending every signal out to a female part and the part it reached was male.

EP- To keep this from being a long read; give us a quick breakdown of your transition process:

MW- I was in some sort of denial until I was 21 and living with my first boyfriend in Gainesville, Florida. One night out with friends, I saw a post-op transsexual performing in a drag show; something "clicked" as I wondered why she would have struggled so hard to change her social and sex status. It was a "ton of bricks" moment as I realized she probably felt the same way I did inside.

My realization was the beginning of a long, scary, lonely process of transition. I met doctors and psychologists who didn't know anything about my situation and some who had knowledge but didn't want to take on my case. Eventually, I was able to "prove" myself to a sympathetic MD who had retired to Destin, Florida from Seattle.

He started me on estrogen which was a blessing and a curse. Estrogen affects the body tissues nicely but also brain tissue which for me caused depression.

One employer refused to let me transition on the job which was devastating. In my next job, I found wonderful people whom I will never forget. They took risks to let me transition since there were no laws protecting me from discrimination. It was during a time when my only resource for help at the library was an autobiography by Renee Richards. Her strange journey through transition only scared me since I didn't identify with her story.

Eventually, I adjusted to hormonal changes, passed all the tests, did the required year of therapy, saved up tens of thousands for surgery and started feeling "right".

EP-We both came from the Panhandle of Florida at a time when people were being beaten outside gay bars, military members had to catch a ride to the bar so their base stickers were not recorded and generally life was touch and go. I remember my turning point was when my therapist said "It is not your job to educate people....you are old enough to strike out on your own and build a life for yourself outside this community" and then the time when a woman came to me in a 7-Eleven and said there were two men waiting outside to beat me down. As I turned to the clerk and asked him to call the Police, he simply said "No, there ain't no crime happened yet". What was your turning point to leave?

MW- I yearned to get to a city where I could find help, guidance and the community I needed but didn't have the financial ability to leave. I was horrified of ending up on the streets of Harshtown, USA. So, it took me a few years to finally make a move out West successfully.

EP-The South and the Nation has changed so much since our rebel years. Do you feel like a trail blazer or a survivor?

MW- Both...definitely.

EP-My favorite Madison quote is when we were in an elevator of "The Embassy Suites" Atlanta. A cheap suit, convention man had the nerve to start murmuring "feminine" while we were escalating. Without skipping a beat, you began to chant "masculine" to which he was shocked at the push back. When he stepped up to you; you said "I am more man than you will ever be and more woman than you will ever get". How do you find this strength?

MW- I think I felt like I had nothing to lose. When in reality, it could have gone very bad. My instincts were and still are to stand up to ignorant bullies. They might learn something from it.

EP-Can we talk boobs? When you came to my 30th birthday party all my female friends were jealous of your chest. I had to hear all weekend "If I had gotten my boobs at 30 then they would look that good." The straight males were so confused. After all the #freethenipple movements from celebs like Miley Cyrus to Cara Delevigne; how important are boobs?

MW- Yes, I got lucky in the boobs department. My genetic mapping was triggered by the estrogen I took and since I was relatively young with large breasted female relatives; they blossomed. I've only met a handful of trans-women who were as lucky. Mine are paramount to me. Sometimes they are all I have in the world to hold onto, lol.

EP-Freestyle Madison...what do you want to say?

MW- As hard as it was for me to go through this change, I don't want to leave out all the amazing friends who helped me. You are one of them!

EP-I love you Madison...

MW- I love you too, Eddie.

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Madison and Eddie, now

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