Dear Savvy Senior,
Are there any services that you know of that help families resolve caregiving conflicts? My mother - who just turned 82 - recently had a stroke, and to make matters worse, my two siblings and I have been perpetually arguing about how to handle her caregiving needs and finances.
--Bickering Siblings
Dear Bickering,
It's not unusual when adult children disagree with each other regarding the care of an elder parent. If your siblings are willing, a good possible solution is to hire an "elder care mediator" who can help you work through your disagreements peacefully. Here's what you should know.
Elder Mediation
While mediators have been used for years to help divorcing couples sort out legal and financial disagreements and avoid court battles, elder care mediation is a relatively new and specialized service designed to help families resolve disputes that are related to aging parents or other elderly relatives.
Family disagreements over an ill or elderly parent's caregiving needs, living arrangements, financial decisions and medical care are some of the many issues that an elder care mediator can help with. But don't confuse this with family or group therapy. Mediation is only about decision-making, not feelings and emotions.
The job of an elder mediator is to step in as a neutral third party to help ease family tensions, listen to everyone's concerns, hash out disagreements and misunderstandings, and help your family make decisions that are acceptable to everyone.
Good mediators can also assist your family in identifying experts such as estate-planners, geriatric care managers, or health care or financial professionals who can supply important information for family decision making.
Your family also needs to know that the mediation process is completely confidential and voluntary, and can take anywhere from a few hours to several meetings depending on the complexity of your issues. And if some family members live far away, a conference or video call can be used to bring everyone together.
If you're interested in hiring a private elder care mediator, you can expect to pay anywhere from $100 to more than $500 per hour depending on where you live and who you choose. Or, you may be able to get help through a nonprofit community mediation service which charges little to nothing.
Finding a Mediator
To locate an elder mediator, start by contacting your area aging agency (call 800-677-1116 to get your local number), which may be able to refer you to local resources, or search online at mediate.com. Another good option is the National Association for Community Mediation, which can help you search for free or low-cost community-based mediation programs in your area.
Unfortunately, there is currently no formal licensing or national credentialing required for elder mediators, so make sure the person you choose has extensive experience with elder issues that are similar to what your family is dealing with. Also, be sure you ask for references and check them. Most elder mediators are attorneys, social workers, counselors or other professionals who are trained in mediation and conflict resolution.
Send your senior questions to: Savvy Senior, P.O. Box 5443, Norman, OK 73070, or visit SavvySenior.org. Jim Miller is a contributor to the NBC Today show and author of "The Savvy Senior" book.