Election Fan Fiction: Hillary Won

The world in the era of President Hillary Clinton

Nov. 8, 2016: Election coverage is on every channel. People across America are excited and nervous. Yet Hillary Clinton, the most qualified presidential candidate in the history of time, has a clear lead over the outsider with no political experience. She wins Michigan. Ohio. Pennsylvania. Florida is called for Hillary before bedtime. You might as well call America an ocean because it’s covered in blue. Hillary Clinton wins the 270 electoral votes needed to win the race, and furthermore, she’s won all 538 electoral votes.

At the Javits Center, Hillary gives well-earned acceptance speech. Her supporters are in happy tears. Wearing a pantsuit that’s literally on fire like that dress in The Hunger Games, she takes an oversized hammer and throws it at the ceiling. President-elect Clinton has now literally and figuratively shattered the glass ceiling. There’s a balloon drop for the next 10 hours.

Trump sends a few rowdy tweets, claiming that the election was “bigly rigged,” but no news outlet covers them. He later makes a short concession phone call to Hillary. No one cares. Feminists are celebrating in the streets for hours. The gays are there. The “Leave Britney alone” guy is there. Babies, in unison, say “I’m with her” as their first words. People are super chill to each other and they all go to sleep, smiling.

Nov. 9, 2016: Everyone wakes up smiling. People go to work just like any other day. No one cries at their desks, or in the subway, or while in line at Starbucks. Why would they? LOL! Brown people and gay people feel totally safe and not scared. Muslim people joke about what a “President Trump” would have been like, and then laugh and laugh and laugh.

Nov. 10, 2016: Hillary serves Bill divorces papers. Because duh.

Jan. 20, 2017: President Rodham is sworn into office.

Jan. 21, 2017: There’s a Women’s March in Washington D.C. but it’s basically men and women high-fiving for hours. No one is angry. Everyone is getting massages.

Feb. 12, 2017: President Rodham shuts down Trump’s Twitter account. His supporters are angry, but continue rant into a sub-reddit that never makes the news. What’s a pepe frog? LOL!

March 1, 2017: Since POTUS Rodham was/is still the most qualified candidate for president, she’s had her cabinet appointment prepared for years. Cheryl Mills is now Chief of Staff, the first African American to take on the role. POTUS Rodham keeps her campaign promise that no less than 50 precent of her cabinet is female, hiring totally qualified, very normal men and women with no conflicts of interest or ties to Nazi organizations. Bernie Sanders is Speaker of the House. Elizabeth Warren doesn’t really have a job, but just generally just roams around the White House dropping truth. Beyoncé runs 10 departments.

June 16, 2017: Ruth Bader Ginsburg retires and dies super happy. She is cryogenically frozen and put on display at the National History of Women Museum (LOL! It’s been under construction forever!) Gloria Steinem replaces her on the Supreme Court.

July 1, 2017: All Pantsuit Nation Facebook groups are shut down because life is basically an IRL version of them.

Aug. 5, 2017: Reality star Donald Trump is put in prison for sexual assault. Before serving 10 life sentences, he’s charged for fraudulent business practices and failure to pay contractors. He goes bankrupt 8 million times over and his assets are dissolved. Any remaining financial gains are donated to charity. His hotels are turned into different branches of Wellesley College and remodeled to look like a feminist Hogwarts. His casinos are turned into Planned Parenthood theme parks.

Oct. 20, 2017: Since President Rodham runs things like a regular human, there is nothing to cover on the news. All the major news channels go back to covering police chases or animals with fun outfits.

Nov. 8, 2019: President Rodham wins a second term. Her opponent, a garbage can full of old shoes, runs a tough campaign, but loses.

Nov. 9, 2019 through the end of time: Every president after President Rodham is either a super qualified woman, a gay male, or a brown person. Former President Rodham’s face can forever be seen on the Mt. Rushmore on the moon. All four of the faces on it are her.

CONVERSATIONS