This photo was taken by me at my house in April of 2013. Two figure eights appeared on the inside wall of my shed. These represented to me the symbols for infinity or eternal life. April is the month of birth for both my mother Sadie and daughter Jeannine.
©Dave Roberts 2013
From the Inside Out
Discovering our authentic selves following catastrophic loss is driven from the work that we do to transform ourselves from the inside out. The perspective of others is important, but sometimes the perceptions of others about our path is influenced by their own experiences and beliefs, which don't necessarily represent our experiences and beliefs. Others perceptions of how they see our path unfolding after loss, may be a projection of qualities that they don't wish to see in themselves. These perceptions may also be driven by many in society who believe that grieving should end after a certain period of time. In this context, consider that what is perceived as unhealthy grieving, is actually an adaptive response to loss, a permanent honoring of the memories of our loved ones.
It is our job to listen to our inner voice, and develop a path that allows us to transform our perspectives in a way that makes sense for us. Doing this empowers us and in the process allows us to witness other people's journeys after loss with respect, honor and through a non-judgmental lens. It is easy to judge someone else's experience as invalid or not applying to us. It is a way for us to stay safe, to dare not risk venturing into unknown territory and to keep people of different beliefs and ideologies at bay.
My Mother's Legacy
Prior to my daughter Jeannine's death in 2003, I was resistant to entertaining any possibility of life after death, reincarnation and continued bonds with our loved ones. My deceased mother Sadie Roberts believed in all of the above. Despite her best efforts to open my eyes to a different world, my eyes remained shut. Even when her spirit appeared to me in the bedroom of my house, a month after she died in March of 1994, that event itself did not change my "here and now" view of the world. I believed that her visitation was an isolated incident.
I loved my mother, but resented the fact that she didn't marry again after my father left us, when I was five. That resentment intensified when I reached the age of 16, which for me was a very awkward time in my life on many levels. I realize now that my rejection of her beliefs was simply a projection of my anger towards her for not remarrying and my own teenage insecurity. My anger, resentment and insecurity prevented me from objectively witnessing my mother's worldview. Today, I have incorporated my mother's multidimensional view of the world into my own path after loss. Consequently, I have embraced an enduring continuing bond with my daughter and my other ancestors. I have developed greater clarity about myself and the path, which I choose to walk after loss.
Faith and Doubt: A Beautiful Synergy
"Faith and doubt do not oppose each other. They define each other, like light and shadow." -- Leonard Pitts Jr.
I have learned during my journey after Jeannine's death, that joy, pain and sadness coexist and that continued spiritual awareness occurs as a result of our ability to embrace and learn from all emotions that we experience.
After Jeannine's death, my faith in everything that I believed in came into question. I had doubts that I would ever learn to live without her earthly presence and that I would ever truly feel fulfilled again. Honoring my doubt rather than suppressing it contributed to the eventual restoration of faith in myself to work through my grief and faith in the universe to provide for my needs.
The Duality of Energy
I wish to end this piece with a couple of suggestions for developing authenticity:
• Embrace the duality of energy. This refers to striking a balance in our lives by celebrating our strengths and embracing what ourselves and others perceive to be negative qualities that we possess. It also requires us to honor and make a space for all emotions in our lives, both positive and negative. In many ways the things we perceive as negative in our lives, have the most to teach us.
• Allow your past to be a guiding light in developing your authentic self. Many of us have heeded the words of spiritual gurus about Living in the Present Moment. However examining (as opposed to judging) our past can give us rich insight into our present experience and help us move forward after loss.
• Educate yourself by reading books on transformation after loss and developing your authentic self. Allow your intuition to guide you to the book or books that speaks to your soul.