In part one of this three-part series, you learned how you can acquire the foundation for emotional intelligence: emotional self-awareness. Now it’s time to move on to the next level.
It’s great if you are aware of your own emotions – but it’s even better if you can do something about it. Yes, this is about anger management, among other things. More broadly speaking, it’s about taking back control of how you feel, and, more importantly, of how your emotions drive your behavior.
Being able to control your emotions: Why is it important?
Some people have negative associations with this subject: After all, your emotions are part of your personality, aren’t they? And you don’t want to come across as an emotionless machine, right?
Happily, being in control of your emotions isn’t the same thing as having no emotions – much to the contrary: It means that you can show your true emotions without doing any damage and that you can utilize your emotions for positive change. As a leader, this is an important skill to have – not at least because it affects the following leadership qualities:
Steadying the ship: In times of crises, true leaders are able to keep calm and make well-balanced decisions – even if everyone else is panicking.
Building confidence: People who appear to be in control of their emotions evoke an image of reliability, steadiness, and trustworthiness. In short: They seem worth following.
Cool in the hot seat: When you’re personally under attack, internally at a meeting or during a difficult negotiation with a business partner, it’s important that you, as a leader, are able to keep your cool.
How do you get there?
A big part of being in control of your emotions is what you learned in the first article of this series: Being aware of what you feel at any given situation and why. Next, you should identify those buttons you don’t want to be pushed – and then make sure no one can, not even yourself.
1. Identify your buttons
“Pushing someone’s buttons” of course isn’t, strictly speaking, psychological terminology – but it’s a very helpful metaphor: It means that there is a pattern where a specific event happens that always makes you feel and behave a certain way. Like with pushing a button, there is a simple trigger-reaction correlation. Breaking this correlation is what being in control of your emotions is all about. In order to do that, you first need to know what your “buttons” are. Go back to the first article to learn more about this.
2. Disable your buttons
Once you know your “buttons” – the situations, people, or actions that trigger a specific emotional reaction – take a look at each specific case and ask yourself the following questions:
•Does your usual behavior help resolve things or make them worse?
•If a similar situation happened again, how could you respond differently to affect a better outcome?
It’s important that you internalize those alternative responses so you’re well prepared when the next trigger comes along. In addition, you can use your body signals (again, see first article for more) as a warning system to help you become aware that a button of yours has been pushed.
Once you’re in one of those emotionally challenging situations, you can use the “WOA!” method to help you stay in control. This is short for “Wait – Observe – Act”:
Wait: When you notice that one of your buttons has been pushed, it usually helps to take a deep breath, either literally or metaphorically by not reacting in any way for a few seconds.
Observe: Now take a step back and try to look at the situation from an outsider’s perspective: What was it that triggered your strong emotional reaction?
Act: Finally, act in a deliberate and thoughtful way. This is what being in control means, after all.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. It requires practice – and you will probably encounter setbacks every once in a while. But if you keep working on being aware of your emotions and on trying to disable your buttons, you will get increasingly better at it – and, eventually, regain control of your emotions.
These first two articles dealt with you and your emotions. In the third and last article of this series, we’ll take a look at the emotions of the people reporting to you – and how you can identify and manage them.
If you would like to read more about the topic of Emotional Intelligence, then download the Premium eBook Emotional intelligence for leaders by Margaret Haffenden.
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