One of my most hated personality traits is my empathy. Not hated by others, but hated by me. Why you might ask? Well, because in addition to my feels I feel everybody else's feels.
There are a couple people I have confided in who I've apologized to recently. I can't help, but feel it unfair for me to burden these people in my Inner Circle with what's in my mind when they, often, have things of their own in their own mind. This is why, often, right on the heels of my, "Woe is me this/that/the other," message comes an, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry."
My empathy especially makes me detest being burdensome. I already feel like a burden just by existing let alone when I feel I'm dumping on those already dealing with so many things of their own. This is one of the contributing factors that drives me to radio silence when I'm spiraling further than usual.
What's interesting about feeling this way is that, often, the people I would confide in not only know me best, but also know the feelings best. But, again, that's part of the reason why, when spiraling, I go so deep into radio silence. I don't want to be one more thing on my friends' and family members' list of things to worry about. Yes, intellectually I register the irony. By going radio silence that does nothing, but inspire more worry. But I have yet to balance out healthy, healing and honest with not being a burden. In theory this is something that comes with time. In theory the people I confide in are grateful I do so. I just don't know how to alleviate feeling burdensome.
I could lie and say it's something I'm working on, but I don't know how to go about working on it to begin with. I'll always follow up a soul confession with an "I'm so sorry," or an appeal for support with an "I'm so sorry,"
What's amusing is I know what I would say to someone who took that path with me. I would tell them to shut up because they're not a burden. I would tell them they're loved. I'd tell them to never stop coming to me when they're in need of support. And that's exactly the path my friends and loved ones take. I just don't know how to stop feeling that way to begin with.
I guess I know what I'll talk about with my talking head shrink when next I see her.