From Paris to Albany, Washington to Sacramento, Masters golf courses to backstage after-parties, the world is abuzz with the shocking echoes of men in power behaving with recklessness, selfishness and disrespect, not to mention outright violence. The list is long and ever growing, Kennedy to Edwards, Gingrich to Vitter, Sanford or Woods, we could go on and on and on. Invariably, there is a divorce linked to these ugly scandals.
We mediators sit with husbands and wives, together during the most grueling aspects of their divorce negotiations. Sometimes, their stories fit the framework of the current headlines; other times a quiet growing apart. Often, we see a small glimpse of the underlying history and dynamic that's pulled them asunder. Regardless of what we hear and see, bar violence of course, people's lives are nuanced and even the most inflammatory reports in the headlines cannot reflect the day-to-day reality of a marriage. We would never, nor could we, justify "an Arnold"; nevertheless, a dynamic in a marriage develops and persists in ways that involve compromises and justifications by the parties none of us may ever understand.
In our practice the challenge for the mediator is to facilitate negotiations without bringing our own judgments into the room. The challenge for the parties is to try to put themselves in one another's shoes, in spite of extreme anger, hurt, blame and regrets. How do we do this? We listen, we reflect their concerns with how they are going to shape their lives going forward, particularly when there are children to be loved and raised. While the notion of sitting in a room clouded by adultery and feelings of betrayal, seems inadvisable or impossible, it happens all the time - and constructively. For those who select mediation, there is an overt desire to come out from under the rage and to move forward without the added emotional fallout, not to mention cost, often attendant to litigation. There is no prerequisite that parties be amicable in order to mediate successfully; they have to be committed to resolving their dispute out of court.
Often, as mediators, we do not even know the reason(s) why the couple is separating. We emphasize that mediation is a forward-looking process and we do not re-hash the cycle of blame, each one's particular story of who did what, rather we help them shift toward creating blueprints for their futures. Therapists, sports, new hobbies, new relationships, dear friends and family, and of course, time may all help the hurt heal. Revenge rarely does.