Endless Shrimp: What Red Lobster Doesn't Want You To Know

Follow us on our voyage to a very dark place.

UPDATE 2016: IT'S BACK!

Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp special can really be endless, but you aren't ready to conquer this feast.

You must remember when you enter the Seafood Chain Empire that you're at war. You're at war with yourself, and most of all, you're at war with Red Lobster. The moment you walk in, you'll face a deadly uphill battle as you try to have a truly endless shrimp experience -- while Red Lobster methodically works to end your hunger early.

I ate 101 shrimp at Red Lobster, and I had more dish options than anyone else in the restaurant. If you really want Endless Shrimp, you're going to need this list of DOs and DON'Ts:

DO: Get Excited
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
The journey you're about to embark on will be painful and joyous. This isn't for amateurs.
DO: Bring Friends
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
You need others to bear witness, and you'll need cheerleaders/therapy when you're finished.
DON'T: Eat Cheddar Bay Biscuits
OK, maybe just one. They're delicious. But stay focused, don't fill up. That's what Red Lobster wants.
DON'T: Eat Sides
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Just say no to salad, rice pilaf, pasta, french fries and baked potatoes. Your Seafood Expert™ is going to throw a lot of these options at you. This is a HUGE Red Lobster secret: If you eat the sides, you'll fill up on one plate, and your Endless Shrimp experience is over. You haven't had your money's worth.
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
YES to the shrimp, NO to the potato. Don't forget.
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Do you want to look like HuffPost Taste editor Rebecca Orchant at Shrimp #40? Then don't eat the sides.
DO: Drink
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Drunk munchies will help you scarf down more shrimp, and Red Lobster has plenty of boozy 'tails to get you through. Expect to spend more time at the restaurant, as the drinks will fill you up temporarily. Be patient.
DON'T: Get The Soy-Wasabi Shrimp
Red Lobster
They don't actually look like this, and there's not even a hint of soy-wasabi flavor. That said, if you like the taste of mild barbecue sauce on your shrimp, go for it. We didn't particularly enjoy this new menu item.
DO: Know The Items That Aren't On The Menu
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Grilled shrimp (pictured), coconut shrimp and popcorn shrimp are NOT featured on the Endless Shrimp menu. But you can order them as part of your Endless Shrimp experience. It's OK, you're not going to get scowled at. Order away.
DO: Bring A Shrimp Counter
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
You'll need to keep track of your shrimp levels. Fair warning: Anything past 40 is going to give you a tummy ache, but that isn't stopping you, is it?
DO: Understand What This Is Doing To Your Body
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
The drinks have a lot of calories, and just about everything on this menu is cooked in butter or breaded and fried, except for the grilled shrimp. We'll let that fact slide this time.
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Just keep eating that shrimp.
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Here, competitor Esther Reynolds makes a power move: Several popcorn shrimp at a time. And look at that baked potato! It's uneaten. That's a good thing.
DO: Order The Scampi
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
The scampi, hand-breaded shrimp and grilled shrimp are the best items on the menu.
DON'T: Listen To Anything We've Just Said
Andy Campbell / Huffington Post
Seriously, 101 shrimp? That's nuts. And it's painful. Eat Endless Shrimp, but don't go overboard. It's a terrible idea. What were you thinking?
DO: Listen To Patton Oswalt
If your shrimp levels are too high, we'll need to get your white wine levels up to balance you out. Tim and Eric didn't listen, and they paid the ultimate shrimp price.