Enemies? Trump Knows Best, Believe Him

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CLEVELAND: An email, leaked from the Trump campaign on Friday morning, revealed that a domestic enemies list is being prepared by Mr. Trump and his principal consultant, Mr Trump.

In an unplanned question and answer session with members of the media outside the door of his personal echo chamber, Trump acknowledge that the list was in process, but denied that the military would be used to disappear perceived domestic enemies, as would be traditional for thin-skinned demagogues with finger-size issues. "I would never ask our men and women in uniform to do my personal bidding. No way. " Mr Trump explained. "That's what the NSA and the FBI are for. I'm only kidding. No I'm not."

Source close to the Trump campaign say that the list contains thousand of individuals including Megyn Kelly, John Kasich, Ted Cruz, the Cruz family and all of their facebook friends and house pets, G-Eazy, Macklemore, the town of Kennebunkport, the West Side of Manhattan and all of Brooklyn.

Paul Manafort, Mr. Trump's campaign advisor announced that the administration has pitched a reality show, based on the list, to several cable networks, who have expressed initial interest.

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According to Manafort, the purpose of the show would be twofold: to teach enemies-of-the-state to cower at the feet of a strong and all-knowing leader and -- most importantly for ratings -- to entertain and delight the masses, Mr. Trump's forte.

"I alone know who should live or die. Trust me. I know. Okay?"

As described by Manafort, listed persons would be brought before a live studio audience, where Mr. Trump would declare each contestant's crimes against the state, pretend to hear their defense, then provide a hyperbolic rant, tapping into the audience's basest tribal instincts and racial resentments, all accompanied by top studio musicians, who would be handsomely paid in exchange for their souls.

Finally, the audience would get to choose whether each "enemy" should be clubbed to death by an angry mob or parachuted into an unstable Muslim nation.

"It's like Bill O'Reilly's show, except the segments have much snappier endings," Manafort explained.