Some ladies magazines do a famous column, "What's inside a certain Celebrity's designer bag?" It usually features hints on what products to buy -- so you too can look just like the actual movie star! But we know better than to think that carrying a designer keychain like Jennifer Aniston will have us carrying her gorgeous figure, too. That said, in honor of January and clean slates and new beginnings, I have decided to go through my own handbag. But why should I stop there??
Checking out my bag today, what the heck's in my purse?
Wouldn't it be all the more fun to describe it in verse?
There's lipstick, mascara and crumbly pink blush,
Chewing gum, a birthday tiara to feel royal in a rush.
Saltines and single serve apples, pummeled to mush,
And a stray tampon in packaging marked, "Please do not flush."
Where's the gift cards, the American Express, the cold, hard cash?
Just a few coins, wrinkled tissues and some cream for diaper rash.
That's kinda funny, when my "baby" is old enough to curse.
But just when I think rummaging can't get much worse . . .
From a funeral yesterday, I have a business card for a hearse?
Moving on to my kitchen, what's going down in my fridge?
Aside from greenish Provolone (and hey, that's just a smidge!)
Besides, I assert to my family, if the truth were to be told...
Where do you think cheese comes from, if not from a bit of mold?
On the top shelf, you can see "Top Chef" has obviously been fired,
Hardened Kraft macaroni (and more cheese!) leaves little to be desired.
Oh wait! He wasn't laid-off -- he tossed his white puffy hat and promptly retired.
After all, what's left to prepare when the eggs and the butter have expired?
In the produce drawer, (like my purse!) exists apples, but I use the term loosely,
Let's just say there's no need for a blender to get fruit in this house 'juicy.'
Tupperware = the family game, "Guess what lives in here for your dinner?"
Who needs Weight Watchers? This is the most effective way to get thinner.
One last look at the freezer's contents, and I turned and I smiled,
"We're eating out tonight, kids -- next life, you should be born to Julia Child."
But just when I thought it was safe for us to pile in behind the wheel,
Under the passenger's side, I found part of a McDonald's Happy Meal.
But a mother's instinct sensed I should probably take another peek...
And lo and behold, out rolled a carton of yogurt and it was actually Greek!
But, I ask you, what else would you expect from a mother this chic?!?
In the seat pockets were napkins, cups and silverware galore,
Ketchup packs, soda cans and french fries littered the car floor.
In the glove compartment were remnants of steak cooked by flame,
I'll tell you, this gourmet vehicle really put my refrigerator to shame.
So I cranked up the Bee Gees and flickered on and off the interior light.
"Welcome to Mom's Disco" I said, "We're eating in the Toyota tonight!"
Check out what else is a mess in this mom's life! Visit her Humor Blog