Entry 14 I Am Home Again

Continued from >>> Entry 13

I AM HOME AGAIN
As much as I am grieving for the loss of my son, I have been filled with worry and horrible thoughts about the fate of my baby grandson Christian. Those thoughts and worries almost overtook the loss of Josh. I tried not to think about Josh. After all we would go for weeks without talking to one another.
But now the finality of never hearing his voice again hit me in a way that was just as raw as when I first heard he was killed. On the one hand I knew Christian was in good hands with Tarn, so I could put that away, but I found I missed Josh more than ever. I would go into the closet where I kept his white shirts and run my fingers past them. I would read his FB page over and look at the pictures and remembrances friends would post posthumously. I would go on Sound Cloud and play his mixes and just weep. I was feeling agoraphobic again. I found a song Josh sent me about a mother who asks on the recording, how is her son, and when will he be calling her again. Josh sent that to me and on the middle of the recording he says," I miss you mom, I love you". I cannot play it but I would die if I ever erased it.
I put a table in the bed room with Josh's picture and Warren, Rick's grandson, who died from meningitis when he was only 19. I have crosses and ashes and rings and things that belong on that table and nothing else.
I wear every day a chain with 2 of Josh's rings on it and a glass vial that holds a small Buddha. I keep all his passports and school papers and baby pictures and try to stay in touch with some of his friends. I talk to him all the time.
I was walking Buster, our dog a while ago and passed a playing card with the number 22 on it. Josh's birthday and I knew that was a sign from him. I was cleaning out the office closet looking for something and a card fell out; Happy Easter, Mom, love Josh. It was the Wednesday before Easter. I need to hang on to these signs. I look forward to and believe with all my heart I will see my son again.
My husband keeps me going and my grandkids and Christian of course. But I never feel wholly free. If I am feeling too happy about something, I feel like I am letting Josh down. "Hay mom, remember me!"
When the wind blows, when I see a coin on the street, any and all manner of things I pray are a sign that my kid is with me. I miss him fiercely.
I think about Thailand a lot. I go over and over my visit. I think of Tarn, now taking care of Christian and I think of A.
Some thoughts on my visit:
Thai massage. WOW
Thai food as pertains to Tarn. AWESOMELY DELICIOUS
Best Mojitos ever-is it because the weather is so hot and humid that they go down so smoothly?
Air conditioning sucks-humidity worse
Don't even try to look attractive- unless you are Tarn and Ant
Markets are amazing Whole Foods has nothing on some of the high end Bangkok markets-And the pastries!!!
The hospitals in Bangkok, especially Childrens Hospital models of cleanliness and officiency
The fantastically low cost of expert medical treatment
Best beaches in the world-bar none!
Put a fucking rubber mat in your shower, Tarn!
I could spend hours alone in solitude in the Temples
Driving in Thailand is insane
I love to watch Tarn and Christian interact.
Wheels on the Bus-my all- time fave song
A's detachment for her son

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