Every Registered Republican Announces 2016 Presidential Run

In a move that had been expected for some time, every registered Republican who is 35 years of age or older announced his or her decision to run for president of the United States in 2016. "I think all of these candidates are a great thing for the country," says Arnold La Tulliard of Flemingsburg, Kentucky, whose campaign slogan is "I'll handle ISIS like I handle my snakes." Tulliard explains, "It showcases the great range of Republican attitudes, from out of touch to profoundly out of touch to tragically, cosmically, epoch-shatteringly out of touch."

Though many political insiders believe the sheer number of Republican presidential aspirants will cancel each other out, many of the candidates appear hopeful. "In just 24 hours, my grassroots campaign raised close to $112.00, which is more than two dollars from each of the 55 donors," boasted Mavis Sannder of Spearfish, South Dakota. "I'm taking on the billionaire class and that lying bastard Luke Graenell."

Former boyfriend and longtime Sannder rival Luke Graenell, also from Spearfish, insists that some of that $112.00 came from a variety of unidentified sources whom he claims may have funny-sounding last names. "How can you trust Mavis Sannder as president when she's beholden to foreign interests?" asks Graenell, whose controversial pamphlet How Can You Trust Mavis Sannder as President When She's Beholden To Foreign Interests? hits Spearfish grocery stores and laundromats tomorrow.