I was 18 when I first told my friends that I was transgender. I was also in a relationship with a girl that I had been seeing for around 10 months. Telling my friends and my girlfriend that I was not comfortable in the body that I had been given, and that I felt lost and confused was one of the scariest most freeing experiences I have ever gone through. Luckily, pretty much all of my friends were accepting of who I truly was; the one person that wasn't was my now ex-girlfriend. When I came out to hear, she was confused and deeply hurt. She felt like I had lied to her about who I was, and couldn't come to terms with reality, causing our relationship to come to a sudden end.
Having a ten-month relationship come to an end because I was trying to be myself, caused a flood emotions. Sadness. Confusion. Fear. I was sad and confused because I had love for this girl, and I thought that she loved me as well. And maybe she really did, but once we went our separate ways I was afraid that no one would love me for who I am. Since then, I've had girlfriends that have been accepting of me, one that I moved half-way across the country in order to have a relationship with. But part of me thinks that I found girls that "loved me" because although I identified as a transgender man, I was not on hormones and hadn't had any surgeries.
There are some days now, where I have been on hormones for 6 months and am 4 months post op, that I feel like no one could ever be IN love with me as I am with them. I feel like my biggest fear is that someone will be afraid to love me, simply because I'm not anatomically similar to who they "normally" date. There is no guide or handbook on dating a trans* guy (or girl), but people don't realize that it's exactly the same as dating a cisgender person. We have our bad days and our good days, just as everyone else does. We also tend to love harder and faster than other people do, because sometimes we cling to the fact that someone could possibly be interested in us. Because of this, I feel like our hearts tend to break easier and harder. I've felt this first hand. But I feel like we are still worth the chance, the risk. We are worth being loved.
The other day, I was scrolling through Tumblr and came across an ask that someone answered. An anonymous person asked blogger, Chris, what advice would he give someone that likes a trans* guy. His answer was straight to the point:
Some days he's gonna be on top of the world. Some days he will walk into a bar like he owns the place just because you're on his arm. But other days he won't be able to get out of bed. Some days he will need you to guard the bathroom door in public so he can pee in peace. Some days he will need you to tell him he's handsome a hundred times as he gets ready to go out. Some days you'll have to point out that his arms look bigger from working out. Some days he will be angry for no reason because fighting his body takes a toll on him. Some days he may cry in your arms and you have to just let him. Some days he will hurt from binding, rub his shoulders. Some days you'll have to learn his body, and relearn his body. Some days you won't be able to touch him there, some days it might be okay. Some days he won't be able to have sex because it's too much and his body doesn't feel right, don't give him a hard time. Some days he will want to have sex all day, and he will want a blowjob even if he can't feel it, indulge it. Some days a little 'you're my man' can go a long way. Some days he won't see a single thing about himself that he likes and you might have to disagree, and he might not care, but insist on what you like anyway. Some days he might be scared, assure him it's normal. Some days he might have doubts, about himself, about his gender, about life, and it can be hard to stand beside. It can be a lot, and if you can't handle it you need to try to know that going in. But if you're up to it, every day he could be your man and you have the opportunity to date someone that is learning to love themselves and grow and change and that's a unique journey that very few people get to be a part of.
The best part is that there are girls like this in the world that want to take this journey with you. Hold on to them. Appreciate them. Sometimes we aren't always the nicest to them because of our dysphoria and how our brain is working that day. When they stand by us on our worst days, we have to stand by them on theirs.
However, we may fall in love with our best friends too. And that's okay. It may be the girl that is our constant reassurance that we are loved for who we are and that we are handsome. And that they want to take this journey with us, as our friends. Even if we are in love with them, that doesn't necessarily mean that, they are in love with us; which is an important factor for us to remember. We can't force love, no one can. However, we can love, honor and respect those that are there for us. And who knows, maybe one day they will think that you are worth the adventure.
Just remember; you are loved. You will be okay. You are handsome. You are strong. Things will get better.
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