Relationships … If you have been married for a while, then this “roommate” feeling might sound familiar. There’s bills to pay, housework, childcare, and before you know it you may feel more like business partners than lovers.
I recently met a Life and Love Coach, Debbie Hart of Phoenix Higher Living, and she had some great insights into how you could end that yucky roommate feeling to being connected soulmates in your relationship.
She shared that a couple had come into her office on the brink of divorce.
“She never appreciates anything I do and is always too tired for intimacy,” the husband says.
“He is angry and frustrated all the time so I don’t feel safe,” the wife says.
Debbie explained that when we are falling in love with someone we tend to focus on everything we like about that person. “Oh I just love the way he opens the door for me!” “Oh I just love the way she kisses!” And so on. Those thoughts stimulate responses in our brains causing ourselves to feel the emotion of love!
But imagine thinking about something sad. Think about it long enough, and those thoughts will stir up emotion, causing tears to form. Now think about the last time you watched a scary movie. You know it isn’t real, but if you focus on the scary thoughts, your heartrate goes up, your palms get sweaty, and you feel jumpy! In the same respect, if you start thinking something steamy about your partner, you can be a thousand miles apart, yet experience those warm fuzzies!
No one told you how to be in a relationship. No one gave you a manual. It is easier to be good at work, than in a relationship. Why is that? Because you know the rules and expectations. You are given instructions. You are taught the skills you need to succeed.
So Debbie often asks: what if you could have a relationship manual? What if you knew the secrets of a successful relationship? She says there are skills that help a couple’s experience passion, trust, connection, and intimacy.
And I asked her how and she explained the following …
Just as every individual is unique, so is every relationship a work of art. Every skill needs to be modified to suit the couple’s needs. There is no right way or wrong way in a relationship. There is only “our” way.
Debbie says there are several of these passionate relationship skills and the top three you can start to use to re-connect immediately are as follows:
Your thoughts stimulate your emotions, and your emotions motivate your behavior, so whatever you focus on expands. If you are focusing on the things you love and are grateful for about your partner, you will stir up feelings of love and appreciation.
2. Love Requests
Everyone wants to have their needs and desires met by their partner; however, many couples get caught up in the idea that their partner should just “know” what they want. Unless you married a self-proclaimed psychic, expecting your partner to read your mind will set you up to fail. Expectations are pre-meditated resentments so the best thing is to learn how to request the love that you need.
Many couples put up walls. The only way to create a new future together is to wipe the slate clean, open up, and trust again. Every day gives you another chance at a renewed relationship, so learning to share your love requests takes vulnerability. Each partner must decide that they will honor everything their partner says without critical judgment, and treat each love request like delicate fine china.
Debbie summarized by sharing, “Focusing on what you love, expecting the best, and requesting what you need with clarity and vulnerability are the top three keys to turning things around fast. You CAN have passion and deep connection again so you can stop feeling like roommates and be soulmates. It’s up to you!”