Expect More Election 'Shenanigans' in November

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A naive woman prepares to 'vote'
A naive woman prepares to 'vote'

We’ve hit rock bottom, friends.

According to the Boston Globe, “our ability to hold free and fair elections” is being undermined by ... Russia.

Incredible panache. The 2016 presidential primaries was a smorgasbord of voter suppression and outright election fraud. In other words: If you are worried about the legitimacy of the November election, it’s because scary Russian hackers are scary.

We have to admit of course that often times the stupidest explanations are also the most convenient. And everyone appreciates a nice convenient explanation, especially when you don’t want to face uncomfortable truths, such as “our democracy is completely broken, and our voting system is ass-backwards.” So the Boston Globe deserves some credit. Nobody likes being “triggered”.

However, returning to reality...

A new report by Election Justice USA has found evidence that “the vote totals from the 2016 primaries are in all likelihood not correct, and that the most likely explanation for a pattern to have this widespread of a presence is some kind of manipulation of the totals.”

Fritz Scheuren, a member of the statistics faculty at George Washington University, and a former president of the American Statistical Association, commented on the report’s findings:

As a statistician, I find the results of the 2016 primary voting unusual. In fact, I found the patterns unexpected [and possibly even] suspicious.

How could he say such things, without even hinting that it’s Russia’s fault?

The truth is that there is a very good reason to be highly suspicious of the legitimacy of our elections. Using the Democratic primaries as a guide, let’s make some predictions about the November election:

1. Votes will go “missing” in key swing states

In Iowa, the Democratic Party lost the results for 90 precincts ― accounting for as much as 5 percent of the total vote. Here’s how Roll Call described this horrid story of Russian hacking:

The party asked the campaigns for help in getting a tally for those missing results. Then around noon Tuesday, central time, the Iowa Democratic party said 100 percent of precincts were reporting, sealing Clinton’s win.

Iowa officials said it was the closest race in the state’s history. Every vote counts ― even when they’re “lost” and have to be “re-staged”.

Expect a lot of “benign carelessness” in November. Lots and lots of it.

2. Round up immigrants, union members and other wage slaves who will do your bidding or risk losing their job

The DNC was horrified by Sanders’ victory in New Hampshire. Luckily they came up with a fun tactic to make sure the right candidate won in Nevada.

Concerned Sanders would win Nevada, Sen. Harry Reid, the former Senate Majority Leader and most powerful elected official in Nevada, as it later emerged, arranged a plan with owners of Las Vegas casinos, where many caucuses were being held, and other employers, to ensure Clinton would win. The Nevada caucuses were then rigged with massive voting irregularities such as casino owners orchestrating which workers would be allowed to vote and, in clear intimidation, openly monitoring how they voted.

Expect more of this in November.

3. You want to vote? Wait in line for 1,000 years

Arizona was the star of this show, but there was a noticeable deficiency in polling stations across America this primary season. Expect areas that voted heavily for Bernie or Trump during the primaries to face severe polling station shortages.

4. Thanks for waiting in line. You still can’t vote, though

It happened in New York; it happened in California; it happened all over America.

Voter lists will be magically purged. People will be directed to wrong precincts, or even told to vote on the wrong day (that’s an old Republican trick).

Every presidential election for as long as anyone can remember has been marred by “disappearing voter lists” or some variant of this Penn & Teller classic.

Come November, wait in line at your own risk.

5. When all else fails, give Bill Clinton a megaphone and march him around polling stations

It worked wonders in highly contested parts of Massachusetts. Illegal electioneering is the way of the future. Sort of like Pokemon Go.

We haven’t even mentioned irregularities with electronic voting machines ― which have been widely documented since 2000, and played a major role in Hillary’s victory in Massachusetts. But yeah, keep a close eye on electronic voting in November. Shenanigans will abound. And not because of “Russian hackers”.

Remember: Now that the “correct” candidate has been chosen, vote early and often!