Expectations That Will Not Come

I thought I would be back to my old self. Be able to do what I used to do. Be able to talk like used to. Be able to walk or exercise like I have always done.

I had two brain surgeries. It all started about five months ago; I went from having stage 4 cancer to a rare bacterial infection. I almost lost my life at least twice. And I am sitting at home alone today… not able to be with family and friends… because of it. Not able to go out last night with a bunch of gal pals… because of it. I could easily list the things/vacations/outings that I have missed.

I want to be “like I was” NOW. Did I mention that I’m a meditation teacher? Ha, funny, huh? That a majority of my life has been spent learning how to be patient, telling practitioners not to rush, telling everyone to go slow. Now at am at the ultimate of ironies.

Every time I get up, my head needs a moment to adjust. I can’t lift things ~ things that my old self used to consider easy or light. I have diarrhea a majority time because of heavy antibiotics that I am prescribed. And I shake, assumedly, because of anti-seizure medication.

Still I am one of the lucky ones. I laugh at this, yet, I think of those people where the pain does not go away or they know that certain things will never come back. I can’t do what I used to do, but I am here; I can interact; I can write. You wouldn’t even notice that I’d been through the ringer if you saw me. I look “normal.”

Honestly, and this isn’t easy... I know I’m not supposed to be the same person I was before all this happened. If so, why the hell did I go through all of this? So I could get right back on the same train I took a detour off of? What good would that do? My life before was good, but I still did too much. No matter how I thought I was simplifying or easing. Now, I can barely do anything.

I am sad that I have decisions to make about work and life that don’t seem very “me” or very business-like, but I have no choice, essentially. My body gives my no out (or so it feels) that I have to make myself go in directions that don’t seem right… but I have to trust. Have I ever trusted my physicality like this? Have I ever trusted my heart and soul like this? No matter how difficult it is and even how I seen to fight it… I am not the same. Nothing is the same.

When this part is done, I know I will have more clarity. I will do my best of letting go of expectations. Of just letting go. Until then, wish me luck. Apparently, I need it.

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