Sexpert Valerie Baber on Sexpertise !!!!

Pansexual Polyamorous Nymphomaniacs:

I recently came across the term pansexual polyamorous nymphomaniac. It loosely describes someone who loves sex anywhere, anytime and with anyone. These “hypersexual” Homo sapiens just enjoy having sex and lots of it! Can you argue with them?

It may not even be a reach to say that every heterosexual guy likes to be complemented on their sexual prowess. While some may warrant accolades, others likely suffer the consequences of dismal performances in the bedroom.

Some people believe that with practice you could become good at anything, but evidently that is not the case when it comes to sex. Believe it or not, not everyone is skilled at bumping uglies. Sexual prowess falls on a spectrum. In fact, as pioneering sex scientist Alfred Kinsey once said, “The only universal in human sexuality is variability itself.”

It is almost ironic that some people really don’t have the first clue about courtship or sexual signaling or even sex, when it confers the very survival of our species.

Don’t Think About It, Just Do It!

Some researchers can show us some empirical evidence demonstrating that humans are very much like animals when it comes to sex. But just based on anecdotal evidence, as a former zoo keeper paying some attention, I contend that we add a component that is disproportionately significant compared to some other factors of influence. Animals, to their benefit, do not bring thinking to the table when it comes to sexual relations. It seems that for humans either too much or too little thinking can be catastrophic. And even for the most intelligent and sentient of non-human animals, sex can be way more about the physical and not the emotional or psychological. If only we could ask Timmy the gorilla about simian supercouples like him and Kate and Brangelina?

And Richard Tallinger, a professor of communications at Washington State University, seems to agree. He is an expert on psychophysiological aspects of human communication, and asserts that the reason sex can be challenging for humans is because thinking gets in the way.

Former Playboy model, sex therapist, and intimacy coach Valerie Baber is one of the premier sex and intimacy coaches of our time and she agrees. Valerie graciously offered to share more insight on intimacy and sex in an interview below. Thanks to disparate abilities in regard to sexual relations among people of all sexual orientations, she has plenty of job security.

Part of Valerie’s role as a coach is to help address sexual dysfunction, which depending on the gender, is largely due to psychological issues. This is true especially in an era when pharmacological agents are able to help many men perform like pornstars after not being able to perform at all. In essence, Valerie is a therapist to the sexually disabled.

Interview: Meet Intimacy & Dating Coach Valerie Baber:

Jordan: In pop culture media, we often use the terms intimacy or intimate relations and sex interchangeably, but they are distinctly different, right?

Valerie: Although sex can be a part of intimacy, sex can happen without intimacy and intimacy can come in a variety of forms and without sex. Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. 

Jordan: I suspect all of your clients know how to have sex, but many don't understand courtship or how to be intimate. Is that fair to say?

Valerie: I actually have clients who are well into their adulthood and have never had sex. They fear that they don't know how to have sex, but I believe that we all instinctively know how to have sex. If we want to be incredible, connected lovers, that takes practice, but nobody should fear that they don't know how to have sex. 

Yes, many clients have difficulty with courtship and intimacy for a variety of reasons. They may feel that they don't want to put in the effort for companionship and sex, then wonder why companionship and sex isn't falling into their laps. They may be in relationships that are well past their honeymoon phase and no longer feel the inspiration to connect, although they miss the old connection they had. They may also not understand how the outside world perceives them. They may be totally oblivious to their presentation, proper communication skills or social cues.  

Jordan: You mentioned that a lot of sex coaches teach people how to improve or enhance their sex life. Can you elaborate on this and describe how you are different as an intimacy coach?

Valerie: Most coaches in my field seem to base their practices on the physical aspects of intimacy. They teach tantra, masturbation skills, how to give great blowjobs, how to incorporate bondage into your playtime. That's all fine. There's a need for all that and they help fulfill that need. I approach things differently, though. I want to work on the root of the issue, and the root of anything is in our heads. I help people have better intimate lives by getting into their heads, helping them explore different thought processes and adjust mental attitudes. This isn't to say that if a couple approached me and asked me for a session in which I taught them (non-sexually) how to give loving, erotic massages to each other, I wouldn't. I can and would, but I aim to focus on the most critical aspects of our sexualities and those are the mental and emotional aspects. 

Jordan: Would you agree that thinking gets in the way of most issues? Would you say people overthink things and tend to not allow intimacy to develop organically? 

Valerie: Overthinking or underthinking can both get in the way. My adult virgins, for instance, overthink themselves to such a level of fear, they have missed out on intimacy their entire lives. They cause themselves a great deal of turmoil because they can't relax and get out of their heads. 

On the other hand, I'd say most people underthink. They have feelings about certain subjects but they can't logically explain why they feel those things and they often become incredibly uncomfortable when challenged to analyze their sexual perspectives to a reasonable base point. This fear of critical analysis is the reason we perpetuate our pain. We just keep running in circles with our sex lives because we're too fearful to stop running and start asking ourselves why we keep going in circles and if there's a different route to take that will produce more satisfactory results.   

Jordan: I think most people appreciate that anxiety and depression  and self esteem issues lower libido and manifest as undesirable influences on the intimacy and sex lives of the human race. Can you talk a bit about the impact healthy lifestyles have on sex lives or is it the other way around?

Valerie: I personally know the effects of desire, depression and low self-esteem and yes, it can very much impact our sex lives, just as it impacts every element of our lives. A healthy emotional state will lead to healthier relationships and activities, but this is a catch 22 as we aren't able to attain healthy relationships and lifestyles until we're in healthy emotional states. The answer is not to tell ourselves that it's impossible, but to just jump in and start on something somewhere. You simply have to make the first move, you can't wait for the first move to make you. 

Jordan: I have been accused of having a big ego but I'll refrain from inserting my personal experiences in to this interview? I wonder how often you meet men who exude a confidence socially but interns of intimacy they are disabled or suffer from performance anxiety or what have you? At the same time are most attractive, seductive women considered pros in the bedroom?

Valerie: They say that narcissists, people who seem to have an aggressive, overabundance of self-confidence, have actually derived that display of self-esteem from deeply painful insecurities. I have also been told that some of the sexiest women are some of the most uninteresting and uninspired in bed. If people are extremely anything, it's probably safe to say that there is an internal conflict they're battling with that goes beyond the average set of internal conflicts. 

Jordan: Sexologists pull from multiple disciplines to asses and help their clients lead sexually healthy lives. In your case you also have life experiences helping people be intimate first hand. But you are also versed in biology, psychology, and sociology as it relates to human  intimacy. Can you talk about you professional life and or personal life meshed with your study of social and behavioral sciences allows to help with the sexual interests and functions of people as sexually diverse as the coitophobic to the sexually disabled to the sex addicted?   

Valerie: My degrees are in writing, which I believe is essentially sociology. One can not write about humans if one has not carefully observed humans and can then vividly communicate the nuances of their interactions in order to tell a story. On my way to achieving my degrees in writing and publishing, I took classes such as psychoanalysis, human sexuality, psychology, sociology and communications.

I am also a Certified Love Coach, meaning I took a training course consisting of a number of intimacy-based classes from renowned sexologist, Dr. Ava Cadell. Classes with her included coaching the disabled, working with different gender orientations and working with different religions and cultural backgrounds, among many others. 

I've also studied acting, which, like writing, is essentially an observation and reflection of human behavior. 

My field studies in the arena are vast. As a host for Playboy TV, it was my job to talk to people around the world about their secret lives, their adult lifestyles and their cultural influences and setbacks. As a dancer, I spent many years in clubs talking to men and couples about what was missing in their lives and what would bring them to find escape in a room full of scantily clad girls. As an elite Manhattan escort, I had intimate conversations with very powerful and highly influential men about what they wished their relationships could be like - what they loved and felt disappointed by with their partners. As a late night TV actress, I have been exposed to and then literally acted out other people's deepest fantasies on television. Since the year 2000, I have talked to thousands of men and women about their sex lives and relationships and I've been given insight that they wouldn't dream of sharing with their friends, relatives or colleagues. This puts me in a fortunate position. I have invaluable information that can be used to help transform people's lives. 

It is this combination of about 17 years worth of minds-on and hands-on, philosophical and physical training, that put me in the most unique and interesting position to help really make a difference for men, women and couples. 

Jordan: I will say that I've dated at least two hyper exual women. Neither were particularly affectionate but they did have talents that matched their libidos. Is this common or are these people that don't usually seek out your services? 

Valerie: I have yet to earn a client who identifies as hypersexual. However, If you're wondering how a very sexual woman can also seem to lack affection, it's important to remember that, just like intimacy and sex are not mutually exclusive, sex and affection are not the same. There are a number of reasons a woman might display a high sex drive or perform "like a porn star," but not emotionally connect with their partner or display any gentle, loving, physical behavior. For instance, women may behave sexually because they feel that's what they need to do to earn validation, but they aren't necessarily in tune with their own needs or attached to their partner. If a client had an issue with this, I'd suggest that she or he have a session with me so we could break the situation down and analyze it in manageable bits, then create a plan of action if we felt that were needed. 

Resources:

The World Association of Sex Coaches states in a letter from its director on the organization’s website that “Sex coaching is a paradigm shift. It is a departure from the medical model of human sexuality, the model that looks for dysfunction. Instead, sex coaching takes the rich knowledge base of sexology and helps people to create change through a coaching approach. This approach is sex positive, empowering, and whole person centered.”

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) is a not-for-profit, interdisciplinary professional organization. In addition to sexuality educators, sexuality counselors and sex therapists, AASECT members include physicians, nurses, social workers, psychologists, allied health professionals, clergy members, lawyers, sociologists, marriage and family counselors and therapists, family planning specialists and researchers, as well as students in various relevant professional disciplines. These individuals share an interest in promoting understanding of human sexuality and healthy sexual behavior.”

About the Author:

Dr. Jordan Carlton Schaul is a zoologist, exotic & domestic animal trainer & dating & celebrity influencer reporter.

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