Amidst the flaming shitstorm of popular outrage against Facebook's privacy policies, few have noticed the introduction of harsh new restrictions on irrelevant status updates. On July 1st of this year, the social media giant will unleash an advanced anti-banality algorithm to instantly delete the following categories of worthless garbage:
- Complaining About Work. Users will be allowed a limited number of updates about long hours or how effing busy you are, as they inform friends of an increased stress level. However any consistent pattern of such updates will be blocked, as they simply indicate that you have a hard job just like everybody else and that you should go ahead and quit if you're so fucking unhappy.
- Annoyingly Vague Cries For Help. While it's surprisingly popular to post disturbing updates like "not sure i can get through this" to a large audience of friends and co-workers, this type of irresponsibly hazy distress call will be outlawed. Users who actually need help are advised to just come out with it already and not make everyone have to ask what horrible disaster it is you're dealing with this time.
- Unremarkable Observations About Weather. Exceptions will be made for unnecessary weather reports that include actual news. For example, "I wish it wasn't raining" would be eradicated, but "I wish it wasn't raining because I lost control of my car and got in an accident but I'm fine mom (smiley emoticon)" is actually of note and thus acceptable.
- "(Name) is." Users will no longer be allowed to simply add "is" to their name in an embarrassing attempt to sound deep and chill and sort of blow their friends' minds. This thoroughly played-out form of half-assed stoner poetry will be viciously removed.
- Day-Of-Week Incredulity. Facebook will automatically terminate any update in which the user a) expresses disbelief that a particular day of the week has arrived as scheduled, b) observes that the current day of the week feels like another day of the week, c) wishes the current day of the week were another day of the week, or d) posts any other unfathomably Cathy-like observation about the goddamn day of the week.
When reached for comment, a Facebook spokesperson sincerely apologized on behalf of the company for ever having allowed this kind of stultifying dreck in the first place. As a form of penance, Facebook staffers have agreed to watch the comment area of this article for any suggestions you may have regarding additional categories of malignant anti-content.
May God bless you all.