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These 7 Fake Illnesses Are Your New Get-Out-Of-Work-Free Card

From: Jane.Doe@averyimportantcompany.com
To: Staff.all@averyimportantcompany.com
Subject line: WFH today

Hey all,

I woke up feeling a little under the weather today :( I’ve been up all night but I’ll try and make it in by noon or so -- but, not trying to be a hero here. I don’t want to get anyone else sick so I’ll let you all know. Of course, totally accessible by email and Gchat!

Thanks!

Uh-huh. Riiiight. Sure, Jane. You seemed fine at the bar last night, but whatever.

Struck by a sense of deja vu reading about Jane’s plight? Thought so. There’s a 100 percent chance you have both sent and received this email on multiple occasions. Reading between the lines is particularly easy for repeat offenders.

Whether you’re hung over, lazy or have a morning-long “doctor’s appointment” (read: a two-hour meeting that takes place in your bed, while you are asleep), we can all do better when it comes to telling white lies to your co-workers. To that end, we’ve partnered with Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield to dream up a new crop of guaranteed get-out-of-work maladies that sound just serious enough to be true.

1. Ailment: “Lethargic Osmosis”

Symptoms: Sufferers experience an emotional unwillingness to move their limbs, which then, psychosomatically, manifests as a physical inability. Other symptoms: apathy, fatigue. Extreme cases can result in bedsores.

Commonly Known As: Laziness

Treatment Plan: For long-term care, stay right where you are -- this too shall pass. A common side effect of laziness is naps, which, in most cases, can help to treat the condition. If you need to motivate quickly, try caffeine or some light calisthenics.

2. Ailment: “Irascible digestion”

Symptoms: Very common amongst humans and dogs, irascible digestion presents as nausea, abdominal pain, cramping, dehydration and an embarrassing need to evacuate your bowels with disturbing frequency. No one wants irascible digestion.

Commonly Known As: Diarrhea

Treatment Plan: Water. Lots of it. Drink two liters of water over the course of two hours, take some antidiarrheal medicine, and do your best to avoid spicy foods, booze and caffeine for the next 48 hours. BYO private bathroom.

3. Ailment: “Intermittent Lachrymation”

Symptoms: Matters of the heart can be challenging to diagnose, but intermittent lachrymation typically manifests itself in puffy red eyes distressed with tears, a gnawing pit of fear and anger at the bottom of your stomach, nausea, fatigue and the frustrating feeling of knowing you’re right.

Commonly Known As: A Breakup Or Fight With Bae

Treatment Plan: #NetflixandChill

4. Ailment: “Jägoraphobia”

Symptoms: Patients frequently characterize Jägoraphobia as a “feeling like I want to die.” What people really mean is that they’re dehydrated, nauseated, suffering from a pounding headache … you all know the drill. These symptoms are often compounded by acute aversions to social interactions and sunlight.

Commonly Known As: A Hangover

Treatment Plan: There are different schools of thought on how to best treat Jägoraphobia, but popular home remedies are french fries and a cheeseburger, gallons of water, coffee … the list goes on.

5. Ailment: “Entropic Oculitis”

Symptoms: Newly discovered and yet already global in scale, entropic oculitis has affected millions of people all over the world. Typically it incubates over weekends, leading to glazed-over, burning, glassy eyes that lack moisture and any range of motion.

Commonly Known As: Binge Watching

Treatment Plan: Go outside. Read a book. Take a shower. Take a walk. Seriously, doing anything but what you’re doing will cure this.

6. Ailment: “Hemline Fracture”

Symptoms: General feelings of anxiety and unease, punctuated by frenetic, frenzied movements as patients pace about their rooms.

Commonly Known As: Nothing To Wear


Treatment Plan: Retail therapy is the most successful approach, but costs for this treatment can quickly add up. “Designer” drugs are not essential to healing a hemline fracture, so consider visiting a vintage or consignment shop to keep your overhead low.

7. Ailment: “Petulant Agita”

Symptoms: Painful bloating, a stomachache and a distinct roundness of the abdomen. Fatigue is also common, particularly if the origins of your indigestion came from turkey. The condition often leaves patients at risk of contracting lethargic osmosis.

Commonly Known As: Food Baby

Treatment Plan: If untreated, a food baby will naturally disappear on its own over time, due to the natural digestion process. Most of those affected opt for natural remedies, so prepare to nap your way well.

Your health is top of mind, and not only on sick days. We understand. Let us help you find an affordable plan to get you covered. Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield. You’ve got the will. We’ve got the way.

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